El Gammy’s Blog of Death

My cousin Roberto once said: “Bruce Lee is hella better than Chuck Norris.” And while I’m not sure who would win in one-on-one deathmatch between the two, I do know that Bruce Lee never had a kick-ass site like this.

If you haven’t heard of the soon-to-be legendary Chuck Norris Facts website, it is imperative that you check it out. Trust me, exposing your unworthy eyes to the splendor that is Chuck Norris Facts will make you want to be a better man: a man like Chuck Norris. Here are some of my personal favorites:

• The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Chuck Norris drives Optimus-Prime to work.
• Chuck Norris was awarded the nobel peace prize, for letting so many people live.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
• When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.
• Chuck Norris raised his IQ by eating gifted children.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
• The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
• Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
• Read the rest of this entry »

Before you get the wrong idea (you sick freak), let me just explain the story behind the title.

Lately my daughter has been singing “My Humps” by the Blackeyed Peas over and over again because she picked it up from my in-laws while she was staying with them out of town. Of course, she fixes the lyrics to what she understands, so she was singing: “Whatcha gonna do with all that trunk, all that trunk inside your trunk.”

So I told her, “Baby, that doesn’t make sense. You can’t put a trunk into a trunk. The song is supposed to say ‘junk.’ As in: ‘All that junk inside your trunk.’”

Her reply to this was: “All that junk inside your trunk?” She mulled it over for a second before coming up with “Hey Daddy, what about this: Whatcha gonna do with all that trunk, all that trunk inside your car.”

I laughed my ass off because I thought that was clever on her part. Kind of shows how little kids make sense of rap lyrics huh?

She’s been singing the song with the “trunk in car” lyrics ever since.

In the words of the great Peter Griffin: “You know what really grinds my gears?”

FISH. Ignorant, stupid, smelly fish.

I’m a firm believer in Darwin’s theory of evolution, which is why stupid fish piss me off so much. Fish seem to have been completely left out of the evolution loop. Think about it. Man has been fishing for maybe tens of thousands of years the exact same way: bait on a fishing hook…and stupid fish just keep falling for it.

Rats have learned to outsmart old school rat traps or avoid them completely using the simple logic of “if there’s a piece of food conveniently placed in a wooden/metal contraption, it’s probably a setup.” Same goes for bears, deer, and other woodland creatures who’ve managed to learn to avoid phony hunter calls, scents, or traps. The “only the strong survive” concept has worked to perfection in these cases. The offspring of deer who are smart enough to avoid getting hunted are living long enough to reproduce, therefore passing on their “don’t fall for stupid traps” genes to their kids.

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This link will take you to a story called “And So It Began” by some douche calling herself ninjakitty. It chronicles the first time Vegeta and Bulma got it on from Bulma’s prespective – interesting shit really. It seems like the author really immersed herself into Bulma’s character, and you can tell that much like I wanna screw Elastigirl from The Incredibles, that she desperately wants Vegeta to hump her freaken brains out.

Check it out: Vegeta and Bulma Engage in Sexual Intercourse