El Gammy’s Blog of Death

This makes me better than you.

Here’s how I won it: kicking ass and taking names by making free sports picks at PicksPal.com. I knew it was only a matter of time. I had been so close so many other times only to choke in the end… well, actually I didn’t choke, its just that I was trying to catch up to the douchebag who was in first place so I had to risk everything on long shots to try and win.

This time, I was just content to break the 10 million point mark. I ended up with 15 million points, and the guy who was in first place with 98 million points (unbelievable, by the way) lost them all in the end – making me the victor.

This week I got a late start and sucked huge donkey balls, so no iPod this week, but I’ll keep playing. During March Madness the prize was a big screen, plasma HDTV. I’ll try to save my super-sports-picking powers for another big tournament like that, but we’ll see.

In the meantime, picture Cartman saying this: “na na na na na na, he he he he he he. I won an iPod and you didn’t.”

Go Niners, Go Braves, Go Suns.

Fuck the Cowboys, Eagles, Yankees, Heat and Lakers.

Today’s special guest theorist for El Gammy’s Crazy Theories will be my daughter Cassandra. Enjoy.

Foreword by El Gammy
I like to think of myself as a pretty creative guy, with a powerful imagination, a rapist’s wit (whatever the hell that means) and mental agility that could rival that of Don King – one of the greatest bullshitters of our time.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending how you look at, my kid Cassandra inherited my knack for clever creativeness. Recently she laid out her definition of a heart attack. Remember, she’s four years old, and I have no idea where she got this from.

According to Cassandra:
A heart attack is when you grow old and you get another (second) bad heart in your chest. This bad heart then jumps out of your chest, turns around, and challenges your good heart in a battle to the death. Hence: Heart Attack.

While she didn’t finish her theory, apparently the winner of this heart attack battle between good and evil determines the fate of the body.

Evil heart wins = death.

Good heart wins = all is well.

Once I stopped laughing, it got me thinking “What if your heart did attack you?”

This is what I imagined. If you don’t like it, eat a dick. That’s all Paint baby, I still can’t figure out Photoshop. I’d like to see you do better than that. And as for the heart wearing boots – why not?

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!!

While some people find the following theory hilarious, others consider me stupid for even contemplating it. The problem with the latter category of people is that they don’t realize how a wrong choice here or a bad impulse there can put them on a one-way track to the streets…or the slammer.

So if YOU were homeless, would you rather stay homeless or go to jail?

Think about it. In jail you get the following benefits for free (or at taxpayers’ expense):

• Free Food and Shelter – a roof over your head, several nutritious meals per day, and a warm place to sleep at night. None of which is readily available if you’re homeless.
• Free Access to a Gym – instead of paying for a fancy fitness club, prison provides all the weights, dumbbells, and exercise machines you need to turn yourself into a bulgy demon. Plus, you’ve got all the time in the world to workout. Again, not available to the homeless.
• Free Education – nowadays inmates are coming out of prison with a GED, associates, or bachelor’s degrees. With internet access on the way, distance classes should now be easily available to all inmates.
• Free Therapy – if you’re mental, the state pays to have your noggin’ checked out by psychiatrists – can’t get that if you’re homeless.
• Free Entertainment – ever seen OZ? Prisoners have cable TV, plus they get subscriptions to magazines. Again, you don’t get that if you’re homeless.
• Recreational Opportunities – baseball leagues, basketball leagues, softball leagues, football leagues. Prison rules of course. Sport at its finest.

Best of all, you get to commit a heinous crime to get there. You can’t go that crazy, or else you’ll get put to sleep, but if you ever wanted to rob a bank, steal a car, or rape a hot chick, you can go for it and be awarded an all-expense paid trip to fabulous prison! You won’t have to beg for money on the streets, dig through other people’s trash, or cover yourself with newspaper while you sleep in a dark alley or park bench.

The only drawback to prison is the threat of getting raped, but that can be avoided by establishing your dominance the first day you get there. Get in good with the gang of your ethnicity (in my case, Mexican), and they will provide round-the-clock protection of your virgin asshole. Strength in numbers people, that’s the name of the game in prison.

Unfortunately not everyone will be able to establish their dominance in prison. So for the weaklings out there who’ll end up as some guy named “Bubba’s” girlfriend, consider this: a shot in the ass is a small price to pay for all the FREE and luxurious amenities of prison (keep in mind, compared to the streets).

The choice is clear for me. If I were ever homeless, I would go to jail, go directly to jail. I wouldn’t even pass “GO” or collect $200.

How bout you?

“Why would she want to meet you at a bar at 10 in the morning?”

“I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.”

If you don’t know where that line is from, you’re probably a complete tool. The reason why its there in the first place is to remind the millions…. and millions of El Gammy’s Blog of Death readers that even if they do decide to start getting plastered at 10am, they won’t have to worry about nasty hangovers the next morning with the NoHang Hangover Prevention Pills.

I’ve been doing some hard drinking recently in the name of scientific research and for the sake of my company (yes, I know you envy me) in order to test the effectiveness of this anti-hangover pill. So far, so good: You take two pills before or with your first drinks and you’re good to go. NoHang’s all-natural ingredients will keep the harmful toxins and alcohol byproducts from fucking you up the morning after with headaches, nausea, vomiting and other hangover symtoms.

The best part about NoHang is that it WILL NOT impede you from getting drunk. It will only PREVENT the hangover that follows your drunken adventures in Mexico, Ivan (fag). Follow these easy steps to freedom from hangovers:

1) Click on the Banner
2) Buy NoHang
3) Take NoHang before you start getting wasted
4) WIN – and by win I mean avoid hangovers entirely

With NoHang at least you won’t have to deal with a nasty hangover when you wake up next to a fat chick (or a guy, Ivan) after a night of drinking. With your sense of balance completely intact, you’ll have an easier time outrunning her before she starts eating your legs like they were hot wings. You can thank me later.