El Gammy’s Blog of Death

This is one of my theories that usually gets a lot of shit from people. For hetero males it’s a positive one, for bitches and fags it’s a negative one. Here goes:

Dancing is only and exclusively
for bitches and faggots.

There are only two exceptions for anybody else.

1) You are Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson, or Usher, and you make a living dancing (i.e. you get paid for moving your body in way that it’s not supposed to).

2) The direct result of you dancing is you getting pussy.

Male back-up dancers and male balerinas, although they get paid, do not qualify for the exception, so they are still fags. Male cheerleaders, on the other hand, typically bang the female cheerleaders, or at least finger them during the routine, so they’re good in my book.

If you’re dancing in any way, shape, or form to ANY music, and the direct result of said action does not equate to your johnson getting wet, then you might as well get to ordering the full box set DVD collection of Will & Grace, fag.

Black guys may be another exception, because as Dave Chappelle has pointed out, they may be genetically pre-disposed to moving to a beat – just like they’re predisposed to like fried chicken and watermelon. However, the jury is still out on this one, so until they return from deliberation, un-pussy certified dancing still constitutes as an act of homosexuality. By the way, how do you like them apples? I just came up with “Pussy certified” dancing, which is the absolute perfect term to use for acceptable dancing for hetero males: when it leads to vaginal, oral, or anal penetration.

Moving on, the reason why its gay for guys to dance without pre-pussy certification is because the male body was not meant to move to a beat. It doesn’t look right, because we don’t have the curves that bitches do. And let’s face it fellas, if you’ve ever tried to dance (and you’re not gay) you know it doesn’t feel right.

Think about it: how GAY is it to hear a beat, then say “Oh, I just LOVE this song!” as you proceed to start shaking your ass? Picture a guy who heard a beat, then started dancing because he “just couldn’t help it,” he just REALLY LOVED that song. Now, did you picture this “guy” in a pink shirt? Does he respond to “how you doin?” with “Super, Thanks for asking!” Does he pluck his eye brows or shave his legs? Chances are he probably does. The fact of the matter is that the guy dancing regularly holds more than one penis in his hands at a time. 100% Queer. He LOVES the cock.

No matter how you put it, dancing cannot be justified for hetero males in any other way besides pussy certification. Even Timberlake, Usher, and maybe Nick Lachey, who dance primarily for money, still end up getting pussy left and right (money leads to pussy, but it’s gotta be lots of money, because back-up dancer salary ain’t gonna cut it).

Any guy who’s got an itch that can only be scratched by dancing also has a chin that can only be comforted by another man’s balls.

If dancing is a by-product, or a step in the process of scratching the one true male itch of penetrating a good set of fallopian tubes, then so be it. I’ve seen guys do worse to get pussy (yes, marriage).

By the way, this should be a man law in one of those Miller Lite commercials. They’re doing ok, but they could be doing a lot better. If the Bud Light advertising team (or El Gammy) was in charge of those commercials, they would be historic. Until I start seeing something better, they’re just squandered potential.

I went to see Superman Returns last Thursday, and I had a huge problem with the Clark Kent to Superman transformation. I get the wearing-the-blue-and-red-suite under the “clever” reporter disguise. I also get the glasses that go with the dorky attitude, so as to throw any suspicious douchebags off the secret identity trail…

But you know what really grinds my gears? Superman’s goddamn hair gel of steel. His stupid little curl stays strong even upon re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. Think of the incredible holding power this gel possesses – not even space rock-hard meteors go through the earth’s ozone layer without losing some chips and chunks here and there.

And the other thing is, when and where does Superman actually apply it? I’ve got a theory about this, so to explain, here are some pictures of good ole’ Clark Kent, pre-man-of-steel mode:

Notice the fluffy, unattended hair. There is some bounce and volume, and it’s movable by earth’s winds. Now here’s a picture of Superman:

See the curl? The only time it dissipates is when Lex Luthor dramatically shanks him in the kidney with some Kryptonite. Other than that, the curl withstands near light-speed travel, space exploration and even deep ocean odysseys. So where does this SuperGel come from? There’s only one logical explanation: Superman’s testicles. That’s right: Seminal Hair Gel.

Do you really think Clark Kent carries a little pouch or travel-size portion of human hair gel in his suit? Or, does he quickly rub one out onto his hands as he’s changing, then slides the SuperSemen through his hair to form an impregnable hairstyle and the perfect curl?

Remember what Ben Stiller’s man-juice did to Carmen Diaz’s hair in There’s Something About Mary: that shit held strong. Think of how much more holding power Superman’s cumshot has? It’s the only substance that could possibly withstand such torturous hair trials.

If you’re having trouble with his, watch the movie and see for yourself. My logic is undeniable. The only reason why they didn’t actually show the Kryptonic masturbation sessions is because the movie would carry an NC-17 rating, and they would lose the younger audiences. It’s a shame too, because the SuperManJuice Hair Gel would practically market itself.