El Gammy’s Blog of Death

I went to see Superman Returns last Thursday, and I had a huge problem with the Clark Kent to Superman transformation. I get the wearing-the-blue-and-red-suite under the “clever” reporter disguise. I also get the glasses that go with the dorky attitude, so as to throw any suspicious douchebags off the secret identity trail…

But you know what really grinds my gears? Superman’s goddamn hair gel of steel. His stupid little curl stays strong even upon re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. Think of the incredible holding power this gel possesses – not even space rock-hard meteors go through the earth’s ozone layer without losing some chips and chunks here and there.

And the other thing is, when and where does Superman actually apply it? I’ve got a theory about this, so to explain, here are some pictures of good ole’ Clark Kent, pre-man-of-steel mode:

Notice the fluffy, unattended hair. There is some bounce and volume, and it’s movable by earth’s winds. Now here’s a picture of Superman:

See the curl? The only time it dissipates is when Lex Luthor dramatically shanks him in the kidney with some Kryptonite. Other than that, the curl withstands near light-speed travel, space exploration and even deep ocean odysseys. So where does this SuperGel come from? There’s only one logical explanation: Superman’s testicles. That’s right: Seminal Hair Gel.

Do you really think Clark Kent carries a little pouch or travel-size portion of human hair gel in his suit? Or, does he quickly rub one out onto his hands as he’s changing, then slides the SuperSemen through his hair to form an impregnable hairstyle and the perfect curl?

Remember what Ben Stiller’s man-juice did to Carmen Diaz’s hair in There’s Something About Mary: that shit held strong. Think of how much more holding power Superman’s cumshot has? It’s the only substance that could possibly withstand such torturous hair trials.

If you’re having trouble with his, watch the movie and see for yourself. My logic is undeniable. The only reason why they didn’t actually show the Kryptonic masturbation sessions is because the movie would carry an NC-17 rating, and they would lose the younger audiences. It’s a shame too, because the SuperManJuice Hair Gel would practically market itself.