Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Bitch all you want about these Chuck Norris jokes – if you’re not laughing, you’re a robot living among us and I’m sure Chuck Norris will eliminate you soon. As you go threw these, try to count how many of these are related to Chuck’s massive penis and his sexual activity (people are obsessed with it). This is just a random list I compiled, I did not specifically choose these.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

Chuck Norris’ penis has a Hemi.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman survives.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig’s blood.

Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Forty seven times.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as “acts of God.”

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

This guy has an awesome drumset in his mom’s basement*. He’s also got a nice video setup to let the masses at YouTube know of his bad-assness. This particular recording shows him drumming to Godsmack’s “Awake,” a song and band that I hold dear to my black heart. Stupid remarks after the video.

If I could drum like this, my pussy rate would go sky-high. I would get more pussy from police ladies. Everybody would give me some pussy. (If you know where that’s from you’re cool, but if you don’t you’re a tool. Did you noticed that rhymed? My album comes out next month).

Anyway, my only problem with this guy’s drumming is his visuals. Shannon Larkin, the drummer for Godsmack, makes this song looks at good as it sounds. His arms and head are all over the place, as if he is drumming with his entire body. This guy, on the other hand, seems kind of stiff, but he’s still pretty fucking good. Plus, he looks ripped, so maybe flexibility is an issue for him.

Either way, I gotta give him credit for putting everything together and getting down the rhythm to the song. May the Metal Gods and Demons continue to bless his dark soul. Amen.

*100% bullshit. I don’t know where the guy lives, but the entire drum and video setup costs a lot of money. Logic tells me he doesn’t pay a lot of rent to his mom, which is how he can afford the whole thing. If that’s not the case, he’s loaded, and I’m just hoping there is not another person in the world who makes substantially more money than I do.

Millions of people have spent their whole lives searching for the meaning of life. Some of them have even created bogus religions such as Christianity, Catholicism, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Mormonism, Scientology, etc… (you get where I’m going with this) to no avail. The meaning of life still eludes the human race… until now.

The meaning of life is very simple. Here’s how it goes:

Why do you wake up in the morning? To go to work.

Why do you go to work? To make money.

Why do you make money? To buy food.

Why do you buy and eat food? To keep on living.

Why do you keep on living?

To have sex.

There it is. The meaning of life is to have sex. That’s all there is to it. Think it over, sleep on it and act accordingly once you wake up.

If you have a lot of sex, congratulations: you lead a good life.

If you have little to no sex at all, kill yourself.

At least your funeral will create a social gathering for your friends and family in which people better than you at life can get another opportunity to start the courting process and eventually have sex.

Everybody always dismisses this theory of mine immediately after hearing it. But once they go home and reality sets in, they have what alcoholics refer to as “a moment of clarity” and acknowledge that I’m right. Consequently, they also acknowledge my genius.

When this happens to you, don’t be alarmed. The reaction is normal. There is no need to thank me. Just vote democrat on the next election or something.

Here’s another Family Guy clip I couldn’t resist from putting up here. That’s how I do things here at El Gammy’s Blog of Death, and if you don’t like it,

You can GET OUT!

Chemical Warfare at Its Finest

If I were to post every funny Family Guy skit I saw, this blog would be nothing but a tribute to Family Guy. And while I do respect the extreme awesomeness of the Griffins, there are other sites such as FamilyGuy.com or the Adult Swim section on Family Guy that are of higher quality and better dedicated to Family Guy, and trust me, Family Guy deservers nothing but the best.

But I’ll be Goddamned if I didn’t put this one up there. It holds sentimental value for me and several of my family members, so at least I can guarantee myself some traffic that way. If you think that’s pretty pathetic, you’re right: it is.

I wish I could produce a gas symphony. My life hate-o-meter is at 8.6 right now.