El Gammy’s Blog of Death

Ever since I’ve known HolySmith!, he’s said he’s hated watching Suns games. I immediately understood his position, although I never took a vow to not watch the games. But today, after the Suns just lost another game they could have easily won against the Mavericks, that very well might change.

Anybody who even remotely follows them knows they’re the top team in the league at blowing big leads, and those of us who follow them closely know that they choke like Lewinsky in the oval office during close games. Today was no exception, as Dirka Dirka and the Mavs reminded them why they eliminated them in last year’s playoffs – by coming through in the clutch and showing some testicular fortitude. Although they bounced back from two double digit deficits, when they had a seven point lead in the fourth quarter with about seven minutes left, the Suns started their routine impersonation of a lawn chair and folded with the slightest pressure.

During those really clutch possessions where the Suns needed a hoop to stay in the game, the four morons on the floor with the MVP had their Let’s-wait-for-Nash-to-bail-us-out look and attitude going. The Suns turned the ball over so many times down the stretch you wonder how in the fuck they won 15 in a row.

Oh wait a minute… they played no one during that stretch (only 2 teams over .500, I believe). The Wizards were the first real team they faced, and of course, that meant the streak snapped. I watched the Portland game earlier this week and they won easily only because the Trail Blazers absolutely suck. I want to see the Suns convincingly beat the Mavs, the Spurs, or the Jazz. Their combined records against said teams by the way is 0-5.

That’s right. The Suns haven’t beat a single contender in the West. Sure they beat up on shitty teams in the east, but so what? I’ve argued long and hard against douchebags like my brother and other believers who say the Suns will be different in the playoffs now that Amare is back. I say the Suns will probably do great in the regular season, and then suck huge donkey balls in the post-season. The only reason why they made the Western Conference Finals last year was because of a scheduling fuck-up that had Dallas and San Antonio playing in the semi-final round. That won’t be the case this year, so I’m predicting a first or second round exit for Phoenix.

Why?

You live and die by the three. You die in the playoffs.

You have absolutely no balls and no defense? You get fucked in the playoffs.

Amare is fun to watch sometimes, but his poor free-throw shooting down the stretch far outweighs his occasional dunk. He’ll block the occasional shot, but he’s not a good defense player, and he’s certainly not a good teammate. He will make no difference at all in the post season.

I wrote this post to go on the record with my prediction for the Suns. We’ll see in March and April how much I know my shit. I don’t think I’m ready to quit watching the Suns yet. They break my heart all the time but I do get my moments of excitement here and there, and that’s more than the Niners or Braves have given me in recent years. I’ve said it time and again that I’ll enjoy the regular season while I can, but I’m not getting my hopes up come spring.

I once dedicated a large portion of my life to this game and the entire Sonic series. Had I been able to play like this, that time would’ve been lessened by around 78%. The guys around the office here speculate this awesome performance is computer manipulated, as in, somebody hacked the game and made it so that Sonic runs through each level at maximum speed.

I could care less which is the truth because it still looks awesome, but I would prefer that some nerd actually sat down to make his calculations and then executed them with extreme efficiency. Why? Two things: 1) It makes for a better story, and 2) it makes that guy a virgin. Unfortunately, that disproves my theory that virgins can’t amount to anything in life, since this is a feat worthy of the highest praise. Or is it?

I guess virgins can’t really amount to anything in life, since they’re not fulfilling the ultimate purpose. And if you don’t know what that is, read the meaning of life here. Then go off yourself if you’re not really “living”… or go master a video game, it’s up to you.

There is a faggot on myspace who is taking every single one of my posts, pics and ideas and using it on his blog on gayspace… excuse me… myspace. Yesterday he had his location set in the stupid town, wait its not big enough to be called a town, in the village of Somerton, Arizona, but now he’s changed it to Aspen, Colorado. This makes him either a nomad, or a goddamn liar, cuz we all damn well know that no Mexican from Somerton could ever afford to move to Aspen, unless he’s taking care of all the lawns in the most affluent of neighborhoods – but even then it would be a stretch, he’d still have to live out of his work truck, along with the rest of his 16 family members. I’m sure it’s the latter.

So to make sure he doesn’t copy this post, I’m going to write the rest of this post as if I were him:

Hi friends, my name is Jo, your local Myspace plagiarist. I’m a little bitch who can’t write his own content, and whose prepubescent breasts have just started to develop. I went to consult my surgeon last month and had him remove my testicles because I wasn’t going to be needing them anymore. They were small, wrinkly and were there for decorative purposes only – I never used them to stand up for myself or be my own man. I’ve always said I was a woman trapped in a man’s body, and now I’m making that dream come true: I’ll be on my knees taking it in the mouth in no time!! Think of all the real nutsacks that will soon be able to rest comfortably on my chin. I shave everyday to make sure I don’t tickle their scrotum… if only they were as considerate – but alas they always manage to shoot it in my eye.

Well, I gotta go pluck my eyebrows now and work on stretching my anus apart further. Don’t wanna make it too hard for them to shove it in me. Eventually I know I’ll be able to fit two of them in there. And I swear on Elton John’s fabulous glasses that one day… one day I’ll be able to fit a black guy in there. I’ve got jungle fever. I wish I had a beaver. I’m a little queerer. Take it up the reamer. Hahahaha… ciao!!

Back to El Gammy mode: Gay Aiken here changed his profile to private after I messaged him, so now he thinks I don’t have access to his page. What a d-bag. What a d-bag indeed. He’s replaced every and any “El Gammy” reference with “el leyenda” which is Spanish for “the legend.” I told him he was only a legend on his knees, which aside from being pretty clever, is remarkably accurate (his MySpace pics featured him topping off random dudes).

One more day, just one more day until the madness ends… at least for a year. I got straight A’s again for the umpteenth time. This ensured my degree status as Summa Cum Laude, which is nice, but I’m not sure if it was worth the extra torture I put myself through to turn in every assignment, complete every task and kiss every instructor’s ass along the way. I guess I’ll find out later. In the meantime, I’m counting down the minutes until I present my Capstone portfolio tomorrow, when that incredible burden called school will finally be lifted from my weary shoulders.

I’ve been thinking about drinking… well… more than usual… in order to celebrate this momentous occasion. I figured that I might as well kill off some brain cells since I won’t be needing most of them until I go back for my Master’s in a year or so. I’ve also been thinking about the projects that I’ll be able to do around the house now as a result of this extra time. I’m looking forward to seeing my new niece in Sierra Vista soon, as well as spending more time with my daughter and helping her ascend to Super Saiyan Level 2 in Kindergarten. I’m gonna make sure she does better than I did at school (if such a thing is possible). I want to make sure she gets into an Ivy League School so that she can have the things in life that I’ll probably never have, and so that I can retire early and she can care for me.

Anyways, I’ll blog about child exploitation later, in the meantime…

It’s time to party, Let’s party
Hang out with yourself and have a crazy party
Hey you, let’s party
Have a killer party and Party!

Don’t even try and deny it
‘Cos you’re gonna have a Party tonight
And you know we’re gonna do it tonight
We’re gonna lose it all
When you open your door!
Party, Party, There’s gonna be a party Tonight!

Tension in my hand
When you’re standin’ there
? (It’s time to Party!)
Doing it fast, When you’re doing it long
Keep gettin’ your money (It’s time to Party!)
Pounding on one, touchin’ yourself
It’s not too late (It’s time to Party!)
Open your mouth, we’re all gonna come… In your face!

(Hey…)
It’s time to… party, party, there’s gonna be a party tonight!

Thanks Andrew W.K. Yeah.

So I didn’t get my truck, but that’s okay. I got the next best thing:

TMX ELMO!!! YAY!!

If you haven’t seen him in action yet, you’re an idiot. Tickle Me Extreme Elmo rolls around on the floor laughing his ass off, I believe in geek-speak that would be ROTFLMAO. He even turns face down on the ground and slaps the floor with his hand. Best of all, he gets back up every time, kind of like a brown meaty friend of mine (yes… my penis).

Of course, I severely overpaid for this – since it is sold out in all stores and every asshole who gets one at retail price sells it on ebay for more than double its value. However, I can’t put a price on friendship. And as the semester winds down and I spend a lot of time alone on the computer, it’s good to have a furry friend to laugh at my stupid jokes.

Some assholes at work (names will be withheld to protect the douchy) abducted him today while I was stocking the pond with brown snakes (Jon, 11/26 Text Message). I laughed because it really was a funny situation, despite the fact that it was at my expense. I appreciate a decent prank as much as the next guy, so I just waited it out until I got my Elmo back… he is precious to me.

From this point forward, Elmo will be my hetero life-mate. He will accompany me everywhere and anywhere I go. We’ll bathe together, we’ll shave together, we’ll even share the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss (I’ll give $10 to anyone who picks up that reference). Of course, this might prove to be difficult since he doesn’t have any teeth, but I’m sure I’ll find something to floss on him. I’ll be taking pictures with my phone periodically as we go on our crazy adventures. I think I’ll be taking him to my graduation, and we’ll be doing it summa cum laude style. It’ll be both funny and pathetic.

I’ve also been thinking about gimmick posts in which I take Elmo to different places around the valley and take video of him laughing. This was inspired by the jackoff behind WheretheHellisMatt.com. We’ll see how it goes. This could be the first of many El Gammy and Elmo special moments to come.