El Gammy’s Blog of Death

Didn’t think so. That’s because they don’t exist. The only tanned “goth” chicks aren’t really goth at all – they’re just posers. Goth code 678 reads: thou shalt not let thy beautiful white skin be darkened by the sun. Thou shalt only let the pain and depression of life darken your soul and blacken your heart.

The exception to the No-Tanned Goth Chick observation is the goth chick who was tanned from birth: the Indian goth chick. Speaking of Indian goths – what’s up with that? Every metal concert I’ve been to is laced with Injuns straight out the reservation. At first I didn’t get it, but now I think they use the whole “white Americans took our lands and sent us to these hellhole reservations” as the major source of darkness, despair and depression in their lives. And since heavy doses of firewater would get them into too much trouble nowadays, they use metal music and Satan for some small sense of comfort in their lives.

I’d be curious to ask a real-life Indian though. For all the Indian metalheads that are out there, it’s weird that there aren’t very many Indian musicians or bands. I wonder what the hell is up with that…

Anyway, goth chicks have a certain hotness about them that no one can really put their finger on. Sure they have a lot of tattoos, sure they have piercings in the weirdest part of their bodies, and sure their hair is oddly colored, but goddamn they gotta be that freakish in the sack too, right? If that’s not it, then maybe it’s the extreme contrast between the milky white skin and the stark black clothes. You just have to appreciate something that stands out that much.

Speaking of which, that’s why there are no black goth people. Oh, and because they haven’t suffered enough, hahahahah.

Why are windbreakers called windbreakers? When you think about it, windbreakers are usually baggy and loose-fitting, so there is a lot of extra cloth that drags you down when you’re running with them. In essence, they’re some of the worst aerodynamic clothes you could possibly wear.

I would say they should be called wind-fluttering loud pants (because they also make that noise every time you walk – you know what I’m talking about right? Yeah you do).

Anyway, the worst part of these inadequately named “windbreakers” is that when you break wind, they don’t do shit but keep this very special wind trapped in your pants. Talk about a lingering fart – if you rip a juicy fart while you’re wearing windbreakers, that gas will linger for a good 30 to 40 minutes depending on how much you move.

Don’t believe me? Try this:

Next time you wear your windbreakers (make sure they’re the ones with the warm cloth on the inside part), just sit down like you regularly would. Then start farting all those bean and cheese burritos you had the night before. After you fart, try to keep as still as humanly possible – leaning is okay on the actual fart release – for at least 15 minutes. Finally, look down, pull your windbreakers from your waist and inhale…

What do you smell? The same exact fart you had squeezed 15 minutes ago, as fresh as your feces-smirched anus.

Trust me, I’ve tested this theory long and hard. Of all my crazy ass theories, this one is by far the most plausible and believable. In fact, it comes with a 100% Gammy Guarantee: the windbreaker lingerer will work the first time, every time or your money back.*

*In Monopoly money. Wait a second. You didn’t even pay me that to read this shit, so on second thought: lick my balls, you tool.

In case you didn’t know, I work in Internet marketing, web design and SEO (among other things). As part of my job, I had a small part in writing the content for our company website and white paper. Of course, you always want to present yourself and your company to potential clients as professional, experienced and knowledgeable in all areas of the business – and sometimes that can be quite a challenge.

But not for the huh corporation. These guys’ site is brutally honest and utterly brilliant. Go to their awesome website and read the content in every page. I promise that if you have any idea how marketing or the business world works, you’re gonna love it. And if you don’t love it, you’re either a moron, or a prick with no sense of humor who doesn’t appreciate the comic intricacies of this web site.

So maybe it’s not really “the Best Site on the Internet,” but close enough.

Every media outlet is making a big deal about this, but already some black columnists are saying “enough with the whole black thing. We can mention it, but don’t dwell on it – these guys are great coaches and they should be recognized for what they do, not what they look like.” Furthermore, I think Tony Dungy has already mentioned he’d rather be remembered for simply being a great coach, not a great African-American head coach.

But what would happen if nobody mentioned it? Black journalists across the nation would be crying out racism quicker than Kobe snatched off that white woman’s underwear.

Basically, white people and the media in general took a preemptive strike to make sure such a cry of racism didn’t happen, so instead what they got was a whole lot of “it shouldn’t even be mentioned that they’re black head coaches, but unfortunately it cannot be ignored” talk. So basically, whitey was placed in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.

Wisely, I feel, they went with the “damned if you do” option. Now all black people can complain about is the subtle racism that still exists, and how if racism wasn’t around, we wouldn’t be having such a discussion. This of course, is much better than discussing how the white media didn’t even recognize that these were the first two black head coaches to coach in the Super Bowl. The victimization would be laid on thick by Oprah or P. Diddy or Morgan Freeman or whoever the hell black people consider a leader nowadays.

Whitey might have jumped the gun though by asking Dungy on the trophy stand about it, as well as in the post-game news conference. The guy is trying to celebrate finally beating Belichick, and all these pricks can do is ask him about how it feels to be the first black guy to do something.

Black people want the perfect balance of recognition without overdoing it, and whitey can never deliver, always being too far on one side or the other. That’s funny to me, because racism is hilarious.

First of all let me admit that I totally ripped off this idea from Demetri Martin, some retarded-looking yet surprisingly funny comedian whose stand-up I just recently caught on Comedy Central. However, El Gammy would never entirely rip someone’s else work off without putting his own demented and inappropriate twist to it, hence El Gammy’s very own version of a:

Breakdown of Hummer Owners

There you go. If you own a Hummer, or you know a person who owns a Hummer, then you/they fall into one of these categories.

* Soldiers in the military are excluded from the list because technically they don’t really own the Hummers they drive, and when they do drive them, they do so for their intended purpose, rather than to roll up to the club on 22″s.