Why are windbreakers called windbreakers? When you think about it, windbreakers are usually baggy and loose-fitting, so there is a lot of extra cloth that drags you down when you’re running with them. In essence, they’re some of the worst aerodynamic clothes you could possibly wear.
I would say they should be called wind-fluttering loud pants (because they also make that noise every time you walk – you know what I’m talking about right? Yeah you do).
Anyway, the worst part of these inadequately named “windbreakers” is that when you break wind, they don’t do shit but keep this very special wind trapped in your pants. Talk about a lingering fart – if you rip a juicy fart while you’re wearing windbreakers, that gas will linger for a good 30 to 40 minutes depending on how much you move.
Don’t believe me? Try this:
Next time you wear your windbreakers (make sure they’re the ones with the warm cloth on the inside part), just sit down like you regularly would. Then start farting all those bean and cheese burritos you had the night before. After you fart, try to keep as still as humanly possible – leaning is okay on the actual fart release – for at least 15 minutes. Finally, look down, pull your windbreakers from your waist and inhale…
What do you smell? The same exact fart you had squeezed 15 minutes ago, as fresh as your feces-smirched anus.
Trust me, I’ve tested this theory long and hard. Of all my crazy ass theories, this one is by far the most plausible and believable. In fact, it comes with a 100% Gammy Guarantee: the windbreaker lingerer will work the first time, every time or your money back.*
*In Monopoly money. Wait a second. You didn’t even pay me that to read this shit, so on second thought: lick my balls, you tool.
I am white and I am from no fewer than 3 major cities in the Midwest, so it comes on good authority when I tell you that A WINDBREAKER is commonly known as a jacket, not so much a pair of pants (white people know this stuff).
If you don’t believe me, ask my mom.
Windbreakers are lightweight jackets that are usually worn on breezy spring days where the birds are chirping and the sun is shining giving you the illusion that it is warm outside, when in fact, it is quite chilly (usually between 50 and 60 degrees farenheit).
It’s not that you are necessarily wrong about the pants part of windbreakers, but I, in all my years as a caucasian, have never heard them mentioned under the term “windbreaker”, nor have I heard the term “windbreaker” used as a blanket term for the entire top/bottom ensemble.
Again, I am white, and whities know shit about shit.
Or not. Whatever. All I know is that somebody has to come in here and leave comments.
Oh Fuck it. You’re wrong. Windbreakers are jackets, not pants, bitch! I can’t sugar coat it any longer. Oh, wait, Wikipedia says we’re both right. Fuck. It also says that Windbreaker was one of the Transformers (Autobot), so what the fuck do we know when we have that great big Wikipedia telling us everything we need? I mean, why the hell do we even blog anymore when frickin’ wikipedia has all the goddamned answers? Jesus Tapdancing Christ…where do we fit into this cyber world anyway?
Is this comment long enough for you? Huh?
OK, now about the fart stuff. I would have to agree with that part of the theory, nevermind the symantics about the term windbreaker. With the selectively permeable pants you referred to, it is highly likely that you will trap the farts and retain them for later enjoyment, much like when you belch into a glass jar, then really fast slam the lid down on it which traps the belch inside said glass jar, only to be unleashed later (even days later) as you remove the lid of the jar and out comes a bellowing belch not unlike the original (aforementioned) belch. Kids love that trick. I’ll bet Wiki-fuckin-pedia doesn’t have shit like that!
And what the fuck Wikipedia? Are you saying my mom is wrong about windbreakers being jackets? Fuck you Wikipedia.
Also, El G, you said “long and hard” in the second-to-last paragraph…..yeah, just thought I would point that out…yeah.
holySmith! was here.