French Fried Faggots
I know what you’re thinking, “this is just another rant on the French being a bunch of pussy cowards or smelly frog-eaters” or whatever the hell it is most people complain about. Maybe chicks with hairy armpits – I don’t know. Let me just start off by saying that this is not the case.
What I want to bitch about today is the prevalence of French-originated words in the English language. I know English is a bastardized language that has taken root words from virtually every other language in order to make words of its own, and I’m okay with that – really I am. I understand there is a necessity and a convenience in using German-based, Latin-based, and even Spanish-based words to form new ones for good ole’ English-speakers to use. All those are fine and dandy, since for the most part, they make sense. But why use French-based root words? Why?
There are plenty of other languages from which we can steal words from, so why use anything French-based? Aside from French toast and French maid outfits, I really don’t see France as having contributed anything even remotely significant to the human race – nothing. I may be biased here, so please feel free to suggest other useful contributions I may have left off, but I’m sure there aren’t that very many. For being such fucking cowards, the French sure carry a foul stench of arrogance everywhere they go and in everything they do – including their language.
HolySmith! himself told me that in French, the “i” makes some sort of a “u” sound, and that other letters are pronounced differently as well. And in that case: why use our same alphabet? I say, an I is an I is an I is an I, no matter what tongue it comes out of. But NOOOOO, the French have to use the same exact ABCs as the rest of us do, only change their sounds for absolutely no reason. If you want to set yourself apart, then invent your own goddamn letters, symbols and sounds system and leave the rest of the world’s the fuck alone.
Instead, here we are using retardedly spelled words with even more remedial pronunciations. I’m not entirely sure I should be more pissed at the French than I should be at the douchestick English-speakers who decided to adapt said words into the English language. Ultimately, I’m sure it does come down to the French though, so I’ll continue to aim my complaints and grievances towards them.
Anyways, without further ado, the following words piss me off:
| Stupid French Words | |
| Lingerie | This is a very important word in the English language, as revealing and sexy attire is typically the gateway for awesome sex and/or great Internet porn. Despite its obvious significance to our culture and economy, this utterly ridiculous spelling is used to describe it. The way I see it: “lingerie” rhymes with “gingerly” any day of the week. How in the blue hell do the letters “lin” make a “laun” sound is beyond me. Stupid french. |
| Colonel | Otherwise known as “kernel,” you will notice that there isn’t a single “r” within the word, yet you still hear the “r” sound. Why? This type of stupid crap is far from necessary. KFC would have made a lot more sense if Colonel Sanders were Kernal Sanders. I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded either, since everyone knows that he was partial to the letter “K” from his Klan days. Stupid French. |
| Touché | You see that little line above the “e?” Well, I had to look up the code for that. Needless to say, having to do that extra work doesn’t make me very happy. Why not just add a “y” at the end and replace the “u” with another “o?” Then it would read “toochey” and it would sound like “toochey” – exactly how the dictionary tells you to pronounce it. I guess that accent above the “e” helps the French love the smell of their own farts just a little bit more. Stupid French. |
| Derriere | Off the top of the head, I’m sure each and every single one of us can come up with at least 5 synonyms for the gluteus maximus without having to resort to this stupid-ass word. Here’s mine: ass, butt, behind, culo and rear-end. Yeah, I know some of you can come up with better, but I was going for quickness there, not creativity. Luckily, I haven’t heard a single person use “derriere” in a real word scenario – not in school, on the job, in social occasions or otherwise (holysmith!, I know you’ll take it upon yourself to be the first one, so before you do, here’s a preempted dismissive remark: you’re a tool).Think about it, the only people who really use derriere on a regular basis – outside stupid Frenchies, of course – are gangsta rappers. And they only use it because it conveniently rhymes with “throw your hands in the air,” “wave them like you just don’t care,” and the black way of saying “yeah” while rapping. And the way I see it, a contribution to rap isn’t really a worthwhile addition to society. |
| Corsage | This is really just a decorated flower that gets you one step closer to getting laid during your high school formal. It’s important sure, but not enough to change the rightful pronunciation of the letters “age” – as seen in garbage or pillage or wreckage – to “sahzh.” The same goes for montage, although I’ll spare that word only because the South Park guys (DVDA) wrote a song called “Montage” that fucken rules. Anyways, corsage should be changed to Device for the Advancement of Sexual Intercourse, or DASI for short (I know, my acronyms suck, but they’re still better than anything French). Stupid French. |
| Bustier | A normal person would use the word “bustier” when comparing the racks of two chicks (e.g. Salma’s chest is bustier than Jessica Alba’s). Meanwhile, a Frenchie would use “bustier” to describe “a formfitting sleeveless and usually strapless woman’s top, worn as lingerie and often as evening attire.”  If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re a tool, but please observe Salma’s picture to the right. Now why would something so beautiful be spelled so ridiculously? I admit, the word sounds great, but for the way it sounds, it should be spelled “boostiyey.”Maybe that looks a little goofy, maybe it looks a little weird, but that’s okay, you’ll get used to it. How it looks is also not important. What’s important is that it is spelled the way it sounds. Consistency is key people. Is that really too much to ask for? Goddamn stupid French. |
| Connoisseur | If you don’t think the spelling of the word “connoisseur” is full of shit, consider the fact that you can’t say “connoisseur” without sewer. Clever aren’t I? Thanks. Even you, holysmith!, have got to admit to that one. But going back to the word, it started out right with “conno” but then some asshole decided that the ending “sewer” simply wasn’t good enough…
Noooo, can’t have an ending like “sewer” in a prestigious word like that. We’d have to change the meaning. How can an expert critic of fine arts and the like be called something with “sewer” in it? Then the smug jokes would come too easy! We must change the spelling! But Sir, where will we find a discretely smug ending to this word? Why, we look to the French of course! Nobody is as needlessly smug as they are. And that’s exactly how connosewer became connoisseur. Stupid French. |
I’ll stop there for now, but I might just bitch about these stupid French words periodically. We’ll see. It depends on holysmith!’s rebuttal. With a win he’s hoping to gain citizenship to France so that he can take his family and flee to his wannabe motherland once WWIII gets underway, little does he know, his faith in the French military is completely fallacious.
Okay, so maybe it did turn out to be a bit about the French being pussies, but so what? They’re pussies.
Now I know you saw “Talladega Nights” on DVD, so you are probably familiar with the snotty French guy (Sacha Cohen) who told Ricky Bobby that the French contributed to society (among other things) the invention of Democracy, Existentialism, and the Blow Job.
Yeah, those are all good things.
French is to Enlish what The Family Guy is to El Gammy. Without The Family Guy, El Gammy would have no foundation for more than 94% of all his conversations. Needless to say, The Family Guy, much like a heart or lungs, is essential to El Gammy’s existence. And so it is with French and English.
El Gammy, you should take caution when taking aim at the French and their language. More than a third of all English words are directly or indirectly from French. One of the most important of these words (which I noticed did not make your list) is of course, DOUCHE. That means shower in French, but it is more applicable to how a person would describe, well, you.
If not for the word douche, you would be SEVERELY limited in your abilities to communicate to anyone. So for that alone, you should be thanking the French for their contribution. Don’t forget to also thank them for the Statue of Liberty, the model of government upon which the USA was founded, and let’s not forget, the threesome, also known as the menage a trois (I didn’t bother to code in the accent marks, but if you want me to pronounce that for you, just ask).
All you are really saying is that you don’t like the dialect. Spanish, Italian, and French are essentially the same thing but with different endings or accents. Guillaume, Guillermo…it’s all William to me.
If you attack the sounds of these words and accents, then you should also write a blog about your fellow douchebags from Boston. Or New York. Or Chicago, St. Louis, New Hampshire, Philadelphia, Kentucky, Georgia, Michigan, Wisconsin, New Orleans, Texas, West Virginia, Minnesota, and Los Angeles. All of these places have jacked up dialects and used odd pronunciations and accents, but I don’t see any blog space going to them.
Nothing about English makes sense. There is no logic and there are no rules, only exceptions. The only version of English that makes sense is Ebonics because thay spell werdz like thay sownd, but if you were to write like that (even in Arizona public schools) you would be kicked out and labeled a retard (but you would probably make a fortune as a rap artist).
Yours truly has a degree in English, which would have been unattainable had I not taken years and years of French. The most important reason I took French is very simple: knowing how to speak a romance language is a key factor in getting laid. It’s not about the sexy foreign sounds, it’s about the ability for a man to roll his RRRRRRRs. That suggests to the ladies that the man has the ability to work his magical tongue, you know, down there. This is a golden invitation to the naughty parts of most females.
And the French know their pussy. In fact, you might call them connosewers.
Let me know if you want more.
Oh, one more thing…I never said that part about the ‘i’ sounding like a ‘u’ in French. the French ‘i’ is pronounced like a long ‘e’. For example, El GammEE, or pEE. The French ‘u’ is an unique sound to the French dialect which would be like saying the word “you” without the “y” sound — closer to the word “eeew” – like what chicks say when they see El Gammy naked.
The French alphabet and the English alphabet (and the Spanish one, too) all have the same letters, but are pronounced differently. If you ask some douche-eater in Boston to say the English alphabet, it will sound a lot different than some d-face from Wisconsin, and so-on. Next time you watch ESPN and they mention the Baaaahston Red Swocks (and they mention them a lot), you will have a perfect illustration of the effect of a crappy accent on a perfectly good language.
No more sissy ass French words in our language. Fries are just fries and making out is just making out. And syrupy toast is syrupy toast. Fuck the French. They suck. A bride-to-be is just that; French dancing, pieces of fish, secret meetings, threesomes… none of these need to be described in French. Let’s stick up for our culture and speak in pure English.
Damn it. I don’t know why I didn’t retaliate to holydouche’s douchey comments before… I must’ve been busy as hell. Oh well, I’ll do it now.
holydouche – you’re a Frenchie-loving communist.
Damien – thanks for the support. For the record, I always pronounce rendezvous, fiance, and fillet exactly the way they sound. Yeah I get a lot of weird looks at first, but then I say “Fuck the French” and then they nod in agreement. It all works out in the end.
Also, holyDouche. That’s it. You are a sacred douche. That’s the insult.