El Gammy’s Blog of Death

My daughter gave me what I think is an awesome idea the other day. And since I’m usually right in the way I think, then it must be an awesome idea.

Over the last few weeks she’s been incessantly asking for a puppy, while I’ve been adamantly denying her one. She always asks “why” and I always answer with: “you’re not ready for that type of responsibility.” I’ve had to explain to her how puppies typically grow up to be stupid needy dogs that you need to feed, play with and constantly clean up after.

To make my point clear I’ve asked her what she would do with her puppy whenever she leaves to school or goes out to play, to which she replies “put him in a cage until I come back.” Aside from being hilarious, I’m pretty sure that would be considered cruel by all you normies’ standards.

Note: “Normies” is my name for all you conventional-thinking people who are politically correct, act the way society expects you to act and never think outside the box. Inherently, I’m sure none of you normies actually read El Gammy’s Blog of Death, but it’s okay, I still like to pretend you do. See?

Anyways, the Kid’s questions got me thinking about leasing puppies. I’ve always said that dogs are cool when they’re puppies and they don’t cause too much trouble while remaining somewhat visually appealing (what can I say, I’m a sucker for the aptly named “sad puppy eyes”). But once they start getting bigger, they also start getting uglier, needier, and eventually become a substantial burden – a burden which, at the Kid’s age, would undoubtedly fall on my lap.

So to prevent said burden, why not lease puppies just like you lease cars? Dogs depreciate faster than any car or property out there. As soon as you pick them out of the litter, they’re tainted goods, and you’ll never get back what you paid for them. And so, before they get too big and too troublesome, I propose pet stores begin taking these puppies back right before they reach adulthood.

Got too much mileage on that puppy? Trade it in for a new one. It’ll be cuter, cuddlier and will require significantly less maintenance in comparison to that heap of junk at the end of your leash. Granted, you’ll never really own Fido, but by the time you trade him in, you wouldn’t have grown sentimentally attached anyway.

Leasing puppies would really work out great for everyone involved, from the leasers who keep getting a new puppy every few months, to the pet stores who keep making money with every new lease. But that’s not all – I’m sure by this time you’re wondering what would become of the maturing dogs who have been brought back to the pet store. Well, never fear, for El Gammy has worked out an absolutely brilliant solution to that too.

Ready? Instead of trying to sell these used dogs back to the general public, or sending them off to the pound where they will just buy some extra time before they’re executed, we take these dogs, put them on a huge boat and sell them to the Chinese! Think about it: the Chinese love their dog food (get it?), as they believe dog meat to be a potent aphrodisiac, so they would be more than happy to get all these dogs off our hands and into their restaurants. Best of all, not only would this increase the US’s exports and stimulate the economy, but it would also improve foreign relations with a potentially dangerous country. We’d be killing two birds (and thousands of stupid dogs) with one stone.

If that’s not a brilliant idea, then I don’t know what is. Although personally I never really found what was so ingenious about sliced bread. So there you have it people. Start writing letters to your Congressmen about leasing puppies. The future of our country depends on it.