El Gammy’s Blog of Death

You know what really grinds my gears? People’s obsessions with all things skinny. Skinny models, skinny phones, skinny jeans, and the latest in this skinny fetish: laptops.

Check out this new anorexic laptop by Intel:

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

…it’s a mere .7 inches thick and weighs just 2.25 pounds. It’s no dumb blonde, either, packed with Intel’s speediest and most efficient components, which will probably be plenty fast by the time this machine is manufactured, maybe even as soon as the end of this year.

Okay, so maybe it’s no dumb blonde, but what good is a blonde without her huge rack? Damnit, that analogy didn’t work all that well… fuck it… the point is: skinny things blow. And not in a good way, skinny things are lame, retarded, ugly and more inconvenient than they’re made out to be.

Let’s take a look at two prime examples in the world of bitches: Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley. When these hos first made it big, they were plump, juicy and had something to hold on to, especially Lindsey. Please see exhibit A and exhibit B (or more like exhibits 36Cs… giggity, giggity, alright). Not bad right?

Now let’s look at stupid skinny Lindsay. Pretty fucked up isn’t it? Who in their right mind would prefer stupid skinny Lindsay over normal, big-breasted Lindsay?

As for Keira, here’s a shot of her pre-skinny psycho mode. And here’s a pic of her after the skeletor treatment. Pretty much an open and shut case right?

A favorite garment of these skinny bitches is skinny jeans. All you need to know about them is that they’re overly expensive without making their ass look any better.

In the world of phones, thin and flimsy phones like the razr, the krzr and the slvr have not only found their way into purses and pockets everywhere, but they’ve also managed to fuck up perfectly spelled words and even invent some needlessly new ones. What the fuck is a “crazor” anyway?

Much like stupid skinny models and celebrities, these phones are fickle, fragile and in most cases, faggoty. They’ll break on the first fall and completely malfunction when they’re introduced to food. Thick manly phones, on the other hand, can withstand anything – yes, even a nuclear war. You’ll see.

So there you have it. Fuck all things skinny. Give me big breasts, chicks whose ribs you CAN’T see, regular jeans, sturdy phones and tough laptops. The only thing these overly thin accessories are convenient for is if you’re lubing them up and sticking them straight up your candy ass. And unless you’re some kind of sick-ass smuggler who is getting paid good money for importing these devices into an impoverished country, you should really have no business doing such things, you ssssssick fffffreak.

Back in the day it was okay to smack your kids around for being insolent, in fact, it was even expected of you as a good parent (if you’re Mexican that might still hold true). But with all the politically correct groups like the One Million Crazy Fascist Bitches out there censoring shit and making sure today’s kids are pussified to their fullest extent, it’s getting harder and harder to beat your kids without coming under some sort of societal scrutiny.

That is why this video is so refreshing. The kid wasn’t doing anything wrong per se, but she did stray far enough from her negligent parent to catch a rising kick from the dancing douchebag. Watch closely as she is majestically and forcefully thrust into the air, with all four flailing limbs completely off the ground. At one point she even gets horizontal before seemingly landing on the back of her head – surely matching the bruise on her newly kicked-in face.

Now that you’ve watched this kid get served, please feel free to pause the video at strategically hilarious frames. It’s hard to do, but once you get it right your ensuing laughter will satisfy your thirst for humor for the rest of the day. And the next time you feel like field goal kicking an annoying little turd into the next room, remember this video and stay out of jail instead… unless of course you want to get tossed around like that from cell to cell, but that would make you gay. And unless you’re a smokin’ hot chick, being gay is bad… and wrong. There should be a stronger word for being gay, like “badong.” Yeah… being gay is badong.

Alright, so I’ve decided to start up a new category in the blog of death called “Chicks I’d Bang,” in which I’ll blog about… well… chicks I’d bang. However, El Gammy is not the one to simply list off hot chicks who anyone would bang, this category will be made of borderline/questionable chicks that the average douche might not even bang, but I would because let’s face it: I’m pretty fucken sick.

And so… without further ado… the very first chick in my new “Chicks I’d Bang” category is Erin Esurance. Erin who? Erin Esurance you tool. The animated chick from the Esurance commercials. You know, she fights bad guys, pimps esurance and always teases some douchestick male sidekick of hers? Yeah, her. Here she is in her full animated splendor:

You can she Erin has, among other generous ASSets, pink hair. This is just fine, as El Gammy has yet to poke a pink-haired pussy. More importantly than her pink hair though, is her huge rack, great ass and sexy voice – three very favorable traits in my bang or wouldn’t bang decision-making process. Furthermore, the commercials will show she is extremely flexible and athletic, leading me to believe she’ll be a hella good lay.

Some of you may be bothered by the fact that she’s animated, and that’s okay, I’m really bothered that a lot of you aren’t just animated pieces of someone else’s imagination – so like me, you’re just gonna have to learn to deal with it. In the meantime, I’ll be attentively watching all of esurance’s ads on TV. If I’m lucky, virtual sex like the kind Sylvester Stallone had with Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man will come around before I die.

So this one’s for you Erin, I’ll quote, buy, print you anytime… and then… you know… do other stuff to you too.

You ever notice how the thrill of victory never lasts half as much as the agony of defeat? What’s worst is that while these emotional extremes are heightened when you’re directly involved in the competition, they’re still very apparent as a simple spectator or fan of your favored sports team.

Take the goddamned Phoenix Phucking Suns, for example. When they win, it’s sweet. Their team is full of talented and entertaining individuals who can put together some resounding victories, leaving us fans electrified, or at least somewhat satisfied. This is a double-edged sword though, as these types of performances give us high expectations, which based on their style of play, is extremely foolish of us.

Watching the Suns play is about as frustrating as feeling like you got a sweet fart on deck, but you’re not sure about letting ‘er rip because you might sneak some solid in there. So you unwillingly hold it, since you’re unsure as to what exactly is gonna come out of there and you don’t have a fresh pair of undies handy. Meanwhile, all you can think about is the lost potential of that held fart, and the hilarity that could have been.

Anyways, the point is that watching the Suns sucks. It takes me a couple of days to get the sour taste out of my mouth every time they lose. And when they win, the good feeling only lasts a couple of hours. That’s a fucked up ratio no matter how you slice it, and while I’ll piss and moan every day to anyone who’s willing to listen, I’ll still end up bending over to take it up the tail pipe… and watch every one of their goddamn games.

Fuck I wish I was a Spurs fan right about now.

For those of you who doubt my devotion to the Devil, take this:

Yes I know it’s nothing to be proud of, but if this isn’t a sign of things to come, then I don’t know what is. All hail Satan!