Welcome everybody. Thank you for having me here. Well, first and foremost I would like to say that I think Michael Vick is an idiot – before I continue I wanted to make that very clear. The guy was a mediocre quarterback (at best) who was incredibly entertaining to watch, and because of that he got paid a lot of money. He couldn’t read defenses, put some touch on his throws or be consistently accurate with his passes, but he could sure run like hell. All he needed to do was stay out of trouble. You’d figure that if you’ve got all that money from just running, there MUST be at least a few legal activities he can engage in for fun.
Having said that, I really don’t see what the big deal is. So he conspired to kill some dogs, so what? Everyone seems to be forgetting here that the only “victims” involved with the “scandal” ARE FUCKING DOGS. That’s right: dogs – Canis lupus familiaris. Not humans, not even retarded humans or midgets or paraplegics… just dogs. Creatures inferior to humans with no opposable thumbs, no ability to speak, and no capacity to disregard their own feces (thanks Jules). Sure, they’ve got personality, and personality goes a long way, but not long enough (in my humble opinion) to warrant an uproar such as this.
Think about it – if dogs were so fucking great, why aren’t they protesting for equal rights? Where are their activist groups and civil rights organizations picketing away in front of the Falcon’s training facilities? These stupid creatures can’t fend for themselves so instead they have to rely on ridiculous Nazi groups like PETA to fight their battles. Dogs are so lame, in fact, that they don’t have a single professional sports team named after them. What about the Cleveland Browns you say? Well, last time I checked “Brown” was, in fact, a color, not an animal.
The weirdest part about the situation is that Michael Vick’s crimes aren’t all that bad when compared to some of the shit other athletes have pulled… in the same league. Take Rams’ defensive end Leonard Little, for example. Our simple-minded friend decided to get behind the wheel after a drunken birthday party and plow into another driver, killing her instantly. His punishment? 90 days in jail, four years probation and 1000 hours of community service. 5 years later he was caught drunk driving while speeding again, and got another slap on the wrist to show for it.
Then we’ve got one of my favorite all-time linebackers, Mr. Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens. Lewis was involved in an altercation at a night club that ended up with two dead “brothas” after multiple stab wounds. After accepting a plea deal (just as Vick is doing), Lewis was sentenced to 12 months probation. Both Little and Lewis went on to play immediately afterwards, so where was all the outrage then? Where was the activist groups clamoring for them to be suspended, or sponsors threatening to drop the NFL?
And then there’s Pacman Jones, who despite having been in countless run-ins with the law and provoking a gun fight at a bar that paralyzed an innocent man STILL HAS HIS FREEDOM. I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you that Michael Vick is any less stupid than Pacman Jones, but if I would have to guess, I’d say Michael Vick has a slightly better chance of not being officially diagnosed as retarded. Overall, I’m sure all rational thinkers would agree that society would be better off with Jones behind bars instead of Vick.
The point is that one thing has been made abundantly clear throughout this fiasco: the general population values dog lives over human lives.
Maybe its because we’re used to seeing humans killing or harming one another, or maybe PETA is just 10 times more effective than all the leading human rights movements combined, but as it stands in the US; if you fuck with animals, you’re fucked – no matter who you are. If you fuck with other humans, that’s okay, you’ll have a better chance of getting away with it. Just ask O.J. Simpson.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m always advocating for more death, especially for humans. This earth is overpopulated, so the more that bite the dust the better. But the fact that dogs are seemingly valued more than humans just doesn’t still well with me. Call me elitist, but I just think humans bring more to the proverbial table (aka this earth) than dogs.
To end this statement, here are my previously written comments from another blog:
Does anyone else find it extremely hilarious that the 50-plus dogs that were confiscated from Vick’s property are going to be euthanized? After all the shitstorm, they’re gonna kill every last one of them. At least with Vick if they performed well they would get to survive… now they’ve got no chance in hell.
I’m not sure if dogs think about these things, but I’d rather go down fighting in a blaze of glory than to be weakly put to sleep. If they’re gonna kill the dogs anyway, they might as well let them fight and entertain the masses on their way out.
[After somebody said that was the most moronic thing they have ever heard, here was my next comment]
Some pigs are bred for bacon. Some cows are bred for burgers and milk. Some horses are bred for racing. Some dogs are bred for to prance around for stupid dog shows. And some dogs are bred for fighting. Being on the top of the food chain, we humans can do whatever the fuck we want with these animals.
Plus, animals fight each other all the goddamn time in the wild. Most of the time there is a lot of pussy at stake. The simple rule of evolution is that only the strong survive. So the strongest lion gets to mate with all the females in the pride, the biggest, baddest deer gets the doe, and the ram with the biggest horns gets to bone the bitch ram right after his fight. That’s how the best genes get passed on from generation to generation.
When humans intervene, the fastest horse gets to screw all the fillies and the dogs that win fights get all the bitches, so dog fighters are really doing nature a favor. And let’s not even get into cockfighting, because that happens naturally in more ways than can be counted.
I’m just saying, there’s been worst forms of entertainment than dogfighting. Like the Miss Teen USA Pageant.
The first thing you’ll notice about Elastigirl is her monstrous ass and thicker-than-life legs. Although during The Incredibles movie she never suffocated a villain using her majestically expanding ass and legs, I’ve got no doubt in my mind that more than a handful of evildoers died a beautiful death within the bosom of her elastic butt cheeks. And that, my friends, is one of the only two times where death by asphyxiation is a good way to go (note: if you can’t figure out the other way, now would be a good time to consider which method of ritual suicide best suits you).
But aside from the obvious advantages of her stretchiness and flexibility, Elastigirl also had a sexy-ass voice. A quick Googling reveals said voice to belong to Holly Hunter, whom although a bit old, I would still bang (pretending of course, she was Elastigirl the whole time – yes, I would make her wear some kind of mask from the movie).
