El Gammy’s Blog of Death

National League All-Bag Starters

Infield
1B – Mark Doucheira, Atlanta Braves
2B – Craig Baggio, Houston Astros
3B – Douchebagis Ramirez, Chicago Cubs
SS – Troy Tulodoucheski, Colorado Rockies
C – Paul Lo Douchcca, New York Mets

Outfield
OF – Androuche Jones, Atlanta Braves
OF – Carlos Bagtran, New York Mets
OF – Ken Douchey, Jr., Cincinnati Reds

Pitchers
Starter – Orlando “El Douchque” Hernandez, New York Mets
Setup – Derrik Turnbag, Milwaukee Brewers
Closer – Ryan Douchster, Chicago Cubs

Voted in by Fans: Nomar Garciabagga, Los Angeles Dodgers

Manager – Tony LaDoucha, St. Louis Cardinals

American League All-Bag Starters

Infield
1B – Kevin Douchkilis, Boston Red Sox
2B – Asdrubag Cabrera, Cleveland Indians
3B – Chode Figgins, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (USA)
SS – Yuniesky Bagancourt, Seattle Mariners
C – Jason Bagitek, Boston Red Sox

Outfield
OF – Bagglio Ordonez, Detroit Tigers
OF – Ichidouche Suzuki, Seattle Mariners
OF – Bagimir Guererro, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (USA)

DH – Gary Douchffield, Detroit Tigers

Pitchers
Starter – Douche-K Matsusaka, Boston Red Sox
Setup – Jobag Chamberlain, New York Yankees
Closer – Jonathan Papelbag, Boston Red Sox

Voted in by Fans: Travis Bagner, Cleveland Indians

Manager – Douchzzie Guillen, Chicago White Sox

(Many thanks to holydouche! and HarryfromHeaven for their contributions)

Why doesn’t ESPN come out of the closet already and just change its name to the Eastern Sports Publicity Network, or ESPN, wait a minute… that’s already what they’re called! They just haven’t officially announced it since the acronym stays the same. Lazy bastards…

As if we needed any more proof that ESPN is 100% east-coast biased, the network is supporting it’s round-the-clock coverage of the Joe Torre-Yankees management situation with a full on, hardcore 2-hour SportsCenter special on Joe Torre.

Think about that for a second. Two full hours during the middle of the day, for a guy who is currently unemployed. The dude can’t hold a job, but he can certainly hold his balls on the collective chin of ESPN for two hours during the day. That’s right – ESPN has been deep-throating the Yankees for so long now that they’ve decided to take Joe Torre’s load right in the mouth, as they review his “astonishing” run and slurp up everything Joe Torre.

Luckily, I’ll be working while they air this so I won’t have to watch a second of it (and even I wasn’t working, I’d play Madden instead, where my skills as an offense coordinator actually provoke the 49ers to make more than one first down per game). However, I’m still curious as to how exactly they are going to dedicate two straight hours to the ex-Yankee skip. I have no doubt they can do it, but you can’t really show highlights of a manager in action per se, so here’s my guess of how the 2-hour suckfest is gonna breakdown:

10%: A lengthy and cheesy monologue by some SportsCenter douche, introducing the suckfest and how they will “honor” Joe Torre for the next two hours:

10%: Video tribute to the tune of “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler (you know, “Did you ever know you were my hero?” Super GAY).

35%: Different “analysts” consisting of ex-players, ex-lovers and right-wing, pro-yankee journalists come on the show to give their homo-erotic opinions about the situation

10%: Redundant but somehow still “Breaking News” from Tampa about the Yankee’s new manager search (note: It’s gonna come down to who can pull their pants down quicker between Don Mattingly and Joe Girardi).

5%: Chevy commercials that end in “This is ouuuuuuuuuuuuuurrr country.”

5%: MLB commercials featuring Dane “I’m an obvious fake sports fan” Cooke that end in “There’s only one fall classic. There’s only one OCTOBER!”

15%: Joe Torre’s press conference aka “The Money Shot,” where he preaches to the converted Yankee lovers and ends with the ceremonial tears, followed by the widespread ejaculate covering all the reporters in the first two rows.

How good at returning kicks is Devin Hester? Well, just watch this footage of him playing a highly advanced and insanely difficult NFL Kick Return Simulation and see for yourself:

Notice how the rest of the Bears’ special teams give him key blocks as well as a 3-man convoy all the way into the endzone. Damn these guys are good!

Okay, I admit it: Pink Floyd is bad-ass. Especially “Wish You Were Here.” I can’t stop listening to that goddamn song. Something about it just soothes me. It makes me think of an old friend that I never had yet I still wish was here.

When I first listened to Pink Floyd, I wasn’t terribly impressed, and I failed to see why everyone made such a big deal about them. But now that I’ve given them an honest shot, I’m a total Pink Floyd convert, or Pink Floydian, which I think is a better term for people who like Pinky and the Floyd (Narf).

My boss holysmith! is the biggest, most devoted Pink Floydian I know, and it’s because of him that I even have their music and know anything about them. He is constantly making Pink Floyd references, and no longer wanting to be kept in the dark, I knew I needed to become somewhat fluent in Floydish to catch at least a small portion of them.

I believe David Gilmour (should be spelled Gilmore, like Happy does it, but that’s another post) is the one singing in “Wish You Were” (correct me if I’m wrong here holysmith. Oh yeah… and don’t fire me). He sings that song like he really wishes that person was here, as if singing the song might somehow make his wish come true. I could be mental, but I can hear some pain and possibly heartache in his voice as he sings, which is another reason why that song rules.

From a musical standpoint, the guitars sound incredible. One of the guitars gets a special effect during the bridge that makes it sound like the guitar itself is crying. At the risk of sounding gay, I will also note that the fucking piano sounds beautiful. Nothing stands out about the drums or bass, but that’s the way it should be, as they mesh seamlessly with the rest of the instruments while providing that uniquely relaxing rhythm.

Anyways, I’m not much of a music critic, so you can lick my salty chocolate balls before you start giving me shit about my “Wish You Were Here” review. I just know that song rules, and not liking it is the equivalent of blowing 17 goats.