Why doesn’t ESPN come out of the closet already and just change its name to the Eastern Sports Publicity Network, or ESPN, wait a minute… that’s already what they’re called! They just haven’t officially announced it since the acronym stays the same. Lazy bastards…
As if we needed any more proof that ESPN is 100% east-coast biased, the network is supporting it’s round-the-clock coverage of the Joe Torre-Yankees management situation with a full on, hardcore 2-hour SportsCenter special on Joe Torre.
Think about that for a second. Two full hours during the middle of the day, for a guy who is currently unemployed. The dude can’t hold a job, but he can certainly hold his balls on the collective chin of ESPN for two hours during the day. That’s right – ESPN has been deep-throating the Yankees for so long now that they’ve decided to take Joe Torre’s load right in the mouth, as they review his “astonishing” run and slurp up everything Joe Torre.
Luckily, I’ll be working while they air this so I won’t have to watch a second of it (and even I wasn’t working, I’d play Madden instead, where my skills as an offense coordinator actually provoke the 49ers to make more than one first down per game). However, I’m still curious as to how exactly they are going to dedicate two straight hours to the ex-Yankee skip. I have no doubt they can do it, but you can’t really show highlights of a manager in action per se, so here’s my guess of how the 2-hour suckfest is gonna breakdown:
10%: A lengthy and cheesy monologue by some SportsCenter douche, introducing the suckfest and how they will “honor” Joe Torre for the next two hours:
10%: Video tribute to the tune of “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler (you know, “Did you ever know you were my hero?” Super GAY).
35%: Different “analysts” consisting of ex-players, ex-lovers and right-wing, pro-yankee journalists come on the show to give their homo-erotic opinions about the situation
10%: Redundant but somehow still “Breaking News” from Tampa about the Yankee’s new manager search (note: It’s gonna come down to who can pull their pants down quicker between Don Mattingly and Joe Girardi).
5%: Chevy commercials that end in “This is ouuuuuuuuuuuuuurrr country.”
5%: MLB commercials featuring Dane “I’m an obvious fake sports fan” Cooke that end in “There’s only one fall classic. There’s only one OCTOBER!”
15%: Joe Torre’s press conference aka “The Money Shot,” where he preaches to the converted Yankee lovers and ends with the ceremonial tears, followed by the widespread ejaculate covering all the reporters in the first two rows.
Leave a Reply