El Gammy’s Blog of Death

Weird Al wrote a song called “I’ll Sue Ya” in which he lists his incredible lawsuits against companies, states and other organizations for their negligence and lack of foresight. Here are some of the highlights:

I sued Delta Airlines
‘Cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey
I went there, and it sucked!

I sued Colorado
‘Cause you know, I think it looks a little bit too much
Like Wyoming

If I sprain my ankle
While I’m robbing your place…

If I hurt my knuckles
When I punch you in the face…

I’m gonna sue, sue
Yes, I’m gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that’s what I’m gonna do

Anyways, after coming across this gem on the wonderful world of the Internet, I have no doubt in my mind that Weird Al’s lawyer during these hard-fought court battles was none other than Sue H. Yoo of the Sullivan and Cromwell firm. I can’t make this stuff up people.

15:37] El Gammy: u familiar with the band Dream Theater, Wilma?
[15:38] El Gammy: they did a Pink Floyd cover… it sounds decent
[15:38] El Gammy: it’s a medley
[15:38] MrDouche: am I familiar with Dream Theater…of course I am Becky.
[15:38] MrDouche: They did an entire DSOTM cover
[15:38] El Gammy: really?
[15:39] MrDouche: would I lie, Annie?
[15:39] El Gammy: your track record is impeccable, Joann
[15:39] MrDouche: indeed it is, Diane
[15:40] El Gammy: is it any good? and do you have it Marcia?
[15:41] MrDouche: I think they released it as a DVD since they did it at a concert somewhat recently. I think Queensryche was with them. But no, I don’t have it, Amelia.
[15:41] El Gammy: i’ll have to download it then Tammy, but thanks for the info
[15:42] MrDouche: look for clips of it on youtube
[15:42] El Gammy: just thought I’d let you know about them in case you didn’t know
[15:42] MrDouche: Lori
[15:42] MrDouche: oh, I know. I know a lot of things, Angelina.
[15:42] El Gammy: you are wise beyond your years Elizabeth
[15:43] MrDouche: you bet I am, Sharon
[15:43] El Gammy: i never realized how goddamn funny girls’ names are Sasha
[15:43] MrDouche: o hell yeah, Roxanne
[15:44] El Gammy: anyways, back to work Naomi
[15:44] MrDouche: ok then…talk to you later Barbie

After a quick discussion regarding work issues that I’d have to kill you if you knew…

[15:46] MrDouche: well, a writer did not write it, so we will have to step in, Lois
[15:46] El Gammy: also, did you just now write the Sale training intro, Trish?
[15:46] MrDouche: yes…that was pulled out of my ass approximately two hours ago, Chloe.
[15:48] El Gammy: and the stuff on the training material outline, was that all you or did that include input from Rick/Chris/Heather?
[15:49] El Gammy: Violet?
[15:49] MrDouche: That outline came from Chris today, Nancy.
[15:50] El Gammy: i see. are each of the items separate docs? and will I have a hand in producing any/all of them Sabrina?
[15:51] MrDouche: You will help on some of them I would imagine. Not sure if we are doing “docs” per se on all of them as some will just be PowerPoint, possibly printed things or Flash demos. We will play it by ear, Patti.
[15:52] MrDouche: How many different girl names do you think we’ve dropped so far, Jeanne?
[15:56] MrDouche: Still counting them, Lisa?
[15:56] *** Auto-response sent to MrDouche: I am currently idle.
[15:56] MrDouche: oh, you must be sitting down to pee right now, Marion. . .
[15:58] El Gammy: considering we got a new toilet seat cover and I wanted to try it out, goddamn right i peed sitting down Amber
[15:59] El Gammy: and to answer your question Fionna, I’d say close to 100
[15:59] MrDouche: wow, that’s pretty amazing work we’ve done in such a short time, Michelle.
[16:00] MrDouche: and without duplicating any, Emily.
[16:00] El Gammy: it’s also prompted an upcoming blog post Melissa
[16:01] MrDouche: i had that same thought, Heather
[16:01] El Gammy: of course you’ll be heavily credited Charlotte
[16:01] MrDouche: as would you, Kim
[16:02] El Gammy: hahahahahaa… i haven’t stopped laughing in about 30 minutes Monica
[16:02] MrDouche: maybe you could just post our entire IM conversation and let them enjoy it, April.
[16:02] El Gammy: i already sent it to the vegetarian, Maureen (that’s for you, not her)
[16:03] El Gammy: she thought it was great Veronica. We really outdid ourselves
[16:03] MrDouche: yes, I concur, Lucy
[16:06] El Gammy: I might do a find and replace to substitute “MrDouche” (your IM name as it appears on my interface) with “holysmith!” or at least “holydouche!” Angela
[16:07] MrDouche: Didn’t we already use Angela, Marcy?
[16:07] El Gammy: a quick “Find” revealed we had not, in fact, used Angela, Barbara
[16:08] El Gammy: you used Angelina
[16:08] MrDouche: ooooh, but Barbara is awfully close to Barbie, which was used, Katie.
[16:09] El Gammy: let’s not split hairs Margaret
[16:11] MrDouche: no worries Gwen
[16:11] El Gammy: i’m glad we agree Jessica
[16:12] MrDouche: yes, definitely, Girl in Toronto.
[16:12] El Gammy: look for the post some time tomorrow Petunia

For undisclosed insurance purposes, I’ll let the pictures tell the story:

Read through this IM between holydouche! of holysmith.com and yours truly, and tell me that female names aren’t ridiculously funny. You can’t do it – they’re just too goddamn hilarious. So hilarious, in fact, that they can be used as insults.

In the first part of this mini-series, holydouche! and I will expose you to the wonderful world of using women’s names as insults. After trying it out for yourself, you’ll find that the resulting demeaning is equally effective against other women (just don’t use their own name against them, otherwise you’ll miss the whole point).

[14:37] El Gammy: good call… i was too pissed to think clearly…
[14:37] El Gammy: anyways, thanks for being there for me
[14:37] El Gammy: hahahahhahaha
[14:38] MrDouche: come on by if you need to hug it out stephanie.
[14:38] El Gammy: i just might do that, Samantha
[14:38] MrDouche: whatever you want to do, Rita, you’re the boss.
[14:38] El Gammy: i’ll keep that in mind Cheryl, thanks
[14:39] MrDouche: sounds good, Maya, you’re a bit help
[14:39] MrDouche: big help, that is . . . Dorris
[14:40] El Gammy: there’s no need to get sarcastic Shirley
[14:40] MrDouche: sorry about that Denise, i sometimes get carried away with things
[14:41] El Gammy: no problem Cynthia, I know it’s probably around that time of the month for you
[14:43] MrDouche: My bad, Gail. I didn’t realize you were such an insensitive bitch – like you don’t get your bloddy visitor each month.
[14:44] El Gammy: there’s medication for that now Beatrice
[14:45] MrDouche: well some of us don’t have rich husbands to buy us all that fancy stuff now do we, Ellen
[14:46] El Gammy: well, when you’re right you’re right Dorothy. Only a select few can be called “privileged.”
[14:47] MrDouche: working in the cubicles all these years has done more than make your ass flat, Debbie, it has turned you into a devilish whore.
[14:48] El Gammy: Priscillia, I really thought we were above name-calling, but I will gladly stoop to your level to call you a prudent bag of hot air
[14:48] MrDouche: I don’t know you anymore, Tonya.
[14:49] El Gammy: things have never been the same since your operation, Shelly
[14:50] MrDouche: I can’t wait until yours is complete – once they stick that penis back on, your transformation from bitch to bastard will be complete, now won’t it Carole?
[14:52] El Gammy: it sure will Bethany, then maybe your lingering feeling of inadequacy will subside, but we can only hope
[14:53] MrDouche: Are you over it yet, Sally?
[14:53] El Gammy: I was until you brought him back up, Marge. Thanks.
[14:54] MrDouche: sorry to pour salt on your wound, Claire. It won’t happen again.
[14:54] El Gammy: don’t worry about it Gloria, you did what you could
[14:54] MrDouche: thanks for caring so much, Olivia
[14:56] El Gammy: I always do Agnus. I always do.
[14:57] MrDouche: You are such an inspiration, Jane.
[14:58] El Gammy: stop Belinda, you’re too much
[14:59] MrDouche: oh Polly, if we could only hug right now. . .
[14:59] El Gammy: I really appreciate you Gladys
[14:59] MrDouche: You complete me Renee
[14:59] El Gammy: i don’t know what I would do without you Grace
[14:59] MrDouche: why do you only have old lady names, Jennifer?
[15:00] El Gammy: because they’re funnier than young chicks names Janice
[15:01] El Gammy: the mere fact that you can differentiate old ladies’ names from those of younger women is hilarious in and of itself Tabitha
[15:01] MrDouche: you’re so creative Lindsay
[15:02] El Gammy: I know Angie
[15:02] MrDouche: if creativity were sex, you’d be a pornstar, Jenna
[15:03] El Gammy: and you’d be a fluff girl Vivian
[15:12] MrDouche: ok, i’m done Sandra.
[15:13] El Gammy: was it good for you Peggy?
[15:13] MrDouche: sure it was Laverne
[15:14] El Gammy: i’m glad you enjoyed it Clarisse

So started the conversation between my daughter and I after I called some idiot who cut me off on the freeway a “total douchebag.” I pondered for a moment as I struggled to come up with a semi-appropriate answer to give a five-year-old. Then, after playing out several potentially embarrassing scenarios in my head about what would happen if I explained what an actual douchebag was to her, I opted for the safe route and bought myself more time.

“I can’t tell you that right now Kid, but I can tell you that you are never to say that word to anyone. It is not a nice word to say and a little girl like yourself should never use it. Okay?”

She agreed, although I could tell she wasn’t too satisfied about not uncovering the meaning of this fascinating new word she had discovered. Feeling a little guilty (just a little…), I decided to remind her about how she’s going to be able to curse freely once she grows up. Being somewhat content, she decided to let it go at least for the moment. I quickly took advantage of the situation by changing the subject to something less douchey, like jelly beans or whatever the hell it is kids like these days.

And for the record, I would’ve heavily used Ryan Seacrest in my definition of douchebag. Heavily. Then, since she’s a visual learner, I would’ve taken her to see some of the pics on HotChickswithDouchebags.com for some quick case studies. HCwDBs is like the Discovery Channel for Douchebags, or as we like to call it: the Douchecovery Channel. It’s also known around Doucheology study groups as National Doucheographic.