So started the conversation between my daughter and I after I called some idiot who cut me off on the freeway a “total douchebag.” I pondered for a moment as I struggled to come up with a semi-appropriate answer to give a five-year-old. Then, after playing out several potentially embarrassing scenarios in my head about what would happen if I explained what an actual douchebag was to her, I opted for the safe route and bought myself more time.
“I can’t tell you that right now Kid, but I can tell you that you are never to say that word to anyone. It is not a nice word to say and a little girl like yourself should never use it. Okay?”
She agreed, although I could tell she wasn’t too satisfied about not uncovering the meaning of this fascinating new word she had discovered. Feeling a little guilty (just a little…), I decided to remind her about how she’s going to be able to curse freely once she grows up. Being somewhat content, she decided to let it go at least for the moment. I quickly took advantage of the situation by changing the subject to something less douchey, like jelly beans or whatever the hell it is kids like these days.
And for the record, I would’ve heavily used Ryan Seacrest in my definition of douchebag. Heavily. Then, since she’s a visual learner, I would’ve taken her to see some of the pics on HotChickswithDouchebags.com for some quick case studies. HCwDBs is like the Discovery Channel for Douchebags, or as we like to call it: the Douchecovery Channel. It’s also known around Doucheology study groups as National Doucheographic.
I can’t wait until holySmith! The Baby grows up enough to ask me questions like this. I know they are coming and I am already starting to formulate my responses based on the context of the questions that will ultimately be posed.
Cursing and swearing are fantastic. I think I have determined that these words should not be censored, rather, celebrated. What really makes a word “bad” anyway? Hmmm…sounds like another potential blog topic on holySmith.com.
Oh dude, I was looking forward to answering these types of questions until the Kid started blurting out my brutally honest answers in school and such. Having grown up in a christian home, at an early age I promised myself that unlike my parents I would not lie to my children, regardless of the topic.
However, once she started calling a couple of her classmates “prick,” she got in trouble and then blamed it on me. So, as just another method of protecting her from herself, I’ve decided to withhold the definition of douchebag, choad, scrote, tool and other fantastic words that she could otherwise be already enjoying like the rest of us.
I’m not worried. Her time will come. I just wish I could take advantage of Ryan Douchecrest while he is still in the lime-light, but I’m sure some other douche will rise up and take his douche-throne eventually. Unfortunately, like global warming, douches are not a problem we’re likely to get rid of any time soon.