El Gammy’s Blog of Death

If you’re wondering what the fuck the title to this post is all about, look no further than to this genius drawing by the little black kid from the new Role Models movie:

Now, after I saw the first couple of safe-for-TV trailers, I thought this was gonna be just another run-of-the-mill movie – like Daddy Day Care or something, but after seeing the following NOT-safe-for-TV-trailer, I’ve decided I’m going to make a significant effort to go check it out:

Undoubtedly, the plot will inevitably lead to the two dudes forming a bond and connecting with their respective strange kid-pals, so I can only hope that they WILL NOT be better off than when they first met and ultimately come to hate each other. But nonetheless, this is a movie so they have to give it a happy, sappy ending where everyone loves each other, all the characters learn their lessons and nobody get killed. Oh well, as long as the ride along the way is funny and entirely inappropriate, I’ll take it I guess.

Oh – and you don’t have to thank me for giving you this post, your mom already thanked me last night while I was doing her by reaching back and tickling my balls, dface.

A good omen on the night of my first Metallica concert:

Those of you who know me know that I’d go gay for a select few of elite men in this world. Thus far the lucky, handsome bad-asses that I’d probably take it up the tailpipe for under the right circumstances (or wrong depending on how you’re looking at it) and enough gallons of numbing lubricant include:

• The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson
• Matthew McConaughey
• Christian Bale
• Raja Bell

Today, I’d like to announce the addition of Noah Bennett aka Horn-Rimmed Glasses (HRG) aka Jack Coleman to that list. Here he is embracing the daughter he had with some undoubtedly ungrateful woman instead of gay-adopting with me:

Unlike the others on this list whose looks actually do come into play when qualifying, Bennett is the first to make it based purely and entirely on his bad-assery, as exhibited on Heroes week in and week out for 3 seasons now. Despite the fact that he’s not one of the show’s “extraordinary” humans, he uses his gigantic brain and titanic balls to face some of the Heroes’ universe most powerful jerks, while also dealing with unprecedented douche-sticks like Douchehinder Suresh and Mama Petrelli.

Never once does he flinch, or cower in the face of impending doom, instead showing a blatant disregard for his own personal safety when it comes to protecting his seemingly immortal, linebacker-shoulder-having daughter Claire. As a father, I can certainly understand protecting your youngins at all costs, and I appreciate the lengths Bennett goes to keep his family safe, even if it means being the occassional dick (it’s part of being a good father).

Please join me in celebrating the induction of Noah Bennett into the official El Gammy Man-Crush List by looking at his creepy stare through the infamous HRGs. For 8 out of 10 douchenozzles on Heroes, it’ll be the last stare they see.

Douchehinder Bagesh (aka Mohinder Suresh) is currently the narrator for Heroes, a show I’ve come to love passionately, like a warm fart trapped under the covers during a cold winter morning. I’ll go into the details of how much I fucking hate Douchehinder – and what a total, complete DOUCHEBAG he is later – but in the meantime, here’s a list of people whom I think should replace Bagesh as the Heroes’ Narrator (in no particular order):

• Morgan Freeman
• Mufasa (aka James Earl Jones)
• Gilbert Godfrey
• Tom Hanks doing the Forrest Gump voice
• Damon Wayans doing the Major Payne voice
• Michael Weston
• The Narrator from Big Lebowski
• Christopher Walken
• Christian Bale doing the incredibly deep voice from The Dark Knight (”Where’s Rachel?”)
• Louis Armstrong (even dead he’ll still do a better job than Douchehinder)

I will add more as I think of them. Feel free to offer up your silly suggestions, even though they’re doomed to pale in comparison to mine.

Metallica makes shopping “Metal.” Sung to the tune of One: