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The Right of Way, The Wrong of Idiots

For the second time in the last week, I’ve barely avoided a collision that would have otherwise been caused by two morons who wouldn’t know the rules of the road if there were signs on the street to constantly remind them. In both instances, I was in the center lane about to make a left turn into an establishment, only to have the aforementioned toolbox try to make a left turn out of said establishment at the same time.

For some reason, each of these suck-fucking, house-cat rat dicks thought they were entitled to make their left turn in front of me, before I made my left into the establishment they were about to come out of. I know this scenario may be a bit difficult to visualize, so if you’re too stupid to put it together using my awesome and extremely accurate written description, I took the liberty of whipping out Paint to draw it out for your feeble mind:

Yes, I created this realistic depiction of real life in paint... really. Respect the skills

But here’s what really grinds my gears about these jackoffs, it’s not the fact that they almost crashed into me – hell, even I’ll admit to not seeing a car every now and then – it’s the fact that after I swerved away to avoid the accident and they slam on their brakes, they do that move where they throw their hands up in the air and look at me like I’m the imbecile. They make that face that’s half-confusion, half-disgust and 100% douchebag (you know what I’m talking about… think about it). The kind of face that you cannot resist punching if you’re within the general vicinity. Yeah, that one.

Anyway, they don’t have a fucking clue that I’VE GOT THE FUCKING RIGHT OF WAY, and that they’re supposed to wait to make their turn until after I’ve made mine.

Unfortunately in both of these recent mishaps, I’ve had my windows up and therefore didn’t have time to yell out the obligatory profanities and racial/feminist slurs as they turned away. So instead of taking out some of those frustrations out on the road, where they belong, here I am bitching about it on The Blog of Death. Sigh…

Fuck Mondays, Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses

I.F.H. Mondays

I Fucking Hate Mondays

I wish I knew enough about flash and php to embed this son of a bitch on the blog here, but alas… you’ll have to settle for clicking on the image above to be whisked away to the magical praries of FunnyorDie.com, where you’ll watch this goddamn hilarious video.

But before you do, remember this line: “what are you, five?” Then think about that next time you’re at Applebees, Chili’s, T.G.I.Fs or any of those other stupid restaurants that force their employees to humiliate themselves and the unfortunate suckers who get dragged out into a shitty food joint for their birthdays by singing a ridiculous birthday tune to uncoordinated, off-beat clapping and embarrassing, American-Idol-reject-worthy singing.

Oh, and David Spade’s cameo appearance is so good the dude just needs one line to take over the whole bit. I wish I was as much of a sarcastic, heartless bastard as Spade, then I’d be pulling all kinds of hot ass too, despite being scrawny and sort of ugly. Sigh…