Like all classic ironic twists, Shaq the Retard has somehow ended up with my beloved Suns. Not only do I strongly dislike the “all about me” diva Amare Stoudemire already, but now I’ve got deal with something (Shaq is not a person, it’s a thing) that I’ve genuinely hated for years being on my favorite team.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m the furthest thing from a conventional sports fan there ever will be. Just to point out some highlights, I despise Michael Jordan and Gay-Rod, I’ll defend Barry Bonds to death, and until he joined the Cowgirls I also adamantly defended Terrell Owens. Also, my favorite teams are the 49ers, Braves and Suns and I’ve closely followed Chris Webber since his Fab Five days at Michigan. If you’re puzzled by this, I could care less, so lick my balls. Those are my teams and my players ever since I can remember, and I don’t have to justify anything to you, except maybe why your mom has an imprint of my balls on her chin, but if she feels that she doesn’t have to explain that to you, than neither should I, so there.
With that in mind, you have to appreciate the effort it takes on my behalf to continuously root for a team whose primary scoring option is a bitch like Amare Stoudemire. It requires about as much mental concentration and focus as taking the SATs under a limited amount of time while holding back a monstrous dump consisting of last nights’ fiery hot wings and bean burritos. So to make things worst, from here on out I’ll have to be rooting for the Suns with Amare AND Shaq in the lineup… AT THE SAME TIME!
I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this, but alas it’s happening whether I like it or not. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna blindly accept it like most other Suns fans though. Unlike the rest of the sheep here in the Valley, I’ll be protesting this until Shaq is no longer with the team, which hopefully will be after this season when he realizes he’s a no-talent has-been whose overactive pituitary gland disorder has paid the last dividends it was gonna pay and decides to retire to be with his precious ping pong balls forever. So on Sunday, I’ll be sitting in the first row of the upper section of the US Airways Center holding up my “Shaq Sucks” sign.
Although that probably won’t start the rebellion amongst the fans I wish it would, it will at least do my bitter, black soul some good, just like this post did.
Added: One more thing, this trade would work. It would never happen, but in a perfect world we would pull the trigger and then I’d say “Championship” in a whiney voice.
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