Close |
| ||
I know this is a little late, as this movie is probably not even in theaters anymore, but quite frankly it wasn’t worth me putting aside whatever I was doing at the time (probably rhythmically scratching my balls) to write this post about Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.
Anyways, I learned through an old episode of South Park that Aslan – the all-powerful, all-knowing, majestic talking lion – is an allegory for jesus christ. After watching the first movie, that was made painfully obvious, as the lion is resurrected and comes back to save his particular legion of freaks. He also breathes on solidified soldiers to give them life, so it’s pretty well-established that he’s supposed to be some sort of magician just like jesus.
Moving on, in Chronicles of Douchnia: Prince Bagspian, the smelly British kids go back to Narnia only to discover that Aslan is gone and most of their talking creature friends have fallen victims to genocide at the hands of the evil human “Telmarine” race. Sure enough, they find their weapons and set out to make things right by battling the evil Telmarinian king and his armies. A decent battle ensues and countless creatures and humans die needlessly.
During all this time, the Brit kid with the most fucked-up teeth keeps insisting that the only way to avoid getting slaughtered is to find Aslan. The other kids and creatures ignore her, continue with their silly plans, and keep racking up those casualties. Finally, as Prince Bagspian and his half-human half-horse freaks make their last charge into their impending death, good ole’ Aslan comes along and saves the day by bringing the trees in the forest to life and calling upon Apollo (apparently) to wash their troubles away and drown their enemies in a furious display of waterworks and CGI.
So here’s my gripe: the entire time his people were getting killed (we’re talking hundreds of years here), Azlan was just sitting on his lazy feline ass in the middle of the forest, watching the genocide from his front-row seat. Why didn’t he help his people? Why did he wait until virtually every last minotaur, centaur and dwarf were killed before helping them out?
With his astonishing magic tricks, he could’ve prevented the Telmarinians from killing 80% of the Narnian population, not just put a timely stop to the final battle. And all he needed to do was go up to some trees and give a few roars – it’s not like he had to do any real work by suiting up and biting some fucking heads off (I wish). The only reason why he came out of hiding in the first place was because Toothy Brit Kid managed to find him in the forest and beg him for help. If she hadn’t been so goddamn “faithful,” he would’ve just remained in the woods while the last of his creatures got their comeuppance.
What’s even more astonishing is that none of the forsaken creatures ever go up to him and ask him “where the fuck were you?” or “what took you so fucking long?” Nope. They’re just all relieved that he’s finally there so they can bask in the splendor that is his mane.
I guess if the author of these book-flicks is trying to continue the jesus allegory then it sort of makes sense, since supposedly the second coming will be at Israel’s darkest hour. But still, this movie isn’t the apocalypse revisited and I expect a better explanation of why shit happened than what we get from the bible. Otherwise I’d still be a holy-roly sucker in a local hypocrisy center (aka a church).
Therefore, I call bullshit on Chronicles of Douchnia: Prince Bagspian. Screw Aslan and his worship-needs. If I were one of the last Narnian creatures I would’ve called for his Jewish… err… feline ass to be crucified right then and there. Selfish prick.
This here is El Gammy’s bloggy reach-around to ButterflySuicide.com and friends.
But before any of you cocksmokers from PETI (People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects) start bitching at me and request that I be crucified like the modern-day messiah that I am, let me first explain that the morose motherfuckers over at Butterfly Suicide don’t get off on watching winged insects offing themselves with tiny little guns or hanging themselves with mini-nooses (that would be awesome… I just realized) – well, at least I don’t think they do – no, instead they get off on:
…toilet humor, bad jokes, funny shit, video reviews, videos we find humorous, funny videos, stupid videos, funny pictures, stupid pictures, and babes. [Plus] Man Humor, cussing, penis jokes, funny things about women’s erogenous zones, and Little Johnny jokes.
Yes, these self-proclaimed perverts by the names of JaceOne and Tuefel have formed an unholy alliance with my merry band of perverts (holydouche! and Jeley the Propietor of Chicken Effed Bacon) to form what we have come to know as a “beautiful circle jerk of lunacy and perversion.”
Together we will conspire to read each others blogs and make witty comments on them to show off our cleverness and/or demean the douchesticks we regularly poke fun of, because well… let’s face it: it makes us feel damn good about ourselves. Plus, by adding me as one of their blogfriends, ButterflySuicide.com will only be 3 friends away from forming SuperMegaFuckyoutron and taking over the world.
Who knew cross-linking could be so goddamn powerful? Well, besides me, of course…
