Douchehinder Bagesh (aka Mohinder Suresh) is currently the narrator for Heroes, a show I’ve come to love passionately, like a warm fart trapped under the covers during a cold winter morning. I’ll go into the details of how much I fucking hate Douchehinder – and what a total, complete DOUCHEBAG he is later – but in the meantime, here’s a list of people whom I think should replace Bagesh as the Heroes’ Narrator (in no particular order):
- Morgan Freeman
- Mufasa (aka James Earl Jones)
- Gilbert Godfrey
- Tom Hanks doing the Forrest Gump voice
- Damon Wayans doing the Major Payne voice
- Michael Weston
- The Narrator from Big Lebowski
- Christopher Walken
- Christian Bale doing the incredibly deep voice from The Dark Knight (”Where’s Rachel?”)
- Louis Armstrong (even dead he’ll still do a better job than Douchehinder)
I will add more as I think of them. Feel free to offer up your silly suggestions, even though they’re doomed to pale in comparison to mine.
I like the idea of Major Payne narration best. Close second is Gilbert Godfrey or Walken.
1. The Movie Trailer voiceover guy (Don LaFontaine)
2. The NOVA narrator guy
3. Elmer Fudd
4. Pat McMahon (the Arizona PBS show narrator and news/talk radio guy)
5. Diane Rheam (from NPR)
6. The voiceover guy from the Powerthirst videos.
I thought about the Movie Trailer guy, but he sold out in that stupid Geico commercial and then died shortly thereafter, so I figured that had to be some sort of bad omen to include him on this list.
I don’t know the NOVA narrator, or Pat McMahon, or Diane Rheam, and I was gonna bash you for offering up such obscure suggestions (in my book), but then you TOTALLY REDEEMED yourself by suggesting the voiceover guy from the Powerthirst videos. “MENERGY!!”
All we need to happen is to have a Kenyan hero with the power to clone himself 399 times, so that the Powerthirst voiceover guy can say “400 BABIES!! WHO RUN LIKE KENYANS!!” or something to that extent.