For those of you out there who haven’t seen Beowulf yet (holydouche!, not mentioning any names…), you really need to get off your lazy ass and go check it out. Aside from the fact that it’s a great flick, I’ll give you two specific reasons it’s totally worth seeing:
1) Angelina Jolie’s animated right boobie
2) Angelina Jolie’s animated left boobie
Yes, that’s right: I would absolutely bang the Animated Angelina Jolie from Beowulf. For starters, of course I’d bang the real Angelina Jolie, even though I’m not sure about the whole kissing her own brother or kissing her dad or wearing a bile of Billy Bong Thornton’s blood or adopting 17 ugly kids from around the world – but if there is one thing I am certain of is that she’s bound to fuck like a malnourished and caged jackrabbit on 7-day coke binge who hallucinates about using the semen of men (like me) as sustenance.
Also, I figure the Animated Angelina is far less likely to be carrying some sort of exotic VD, undoubtedly the only reason the real Angelina still keeps Brad around.
And with that, ladies and dbags, I leave you with a close-up of animated golden goodness: The Demon Nips.
El Gammy’s Note: I know that the first two chicks in my new Chicks I’d Bang category have been animated chicks, but I assure you that it is purely coincidental. The fact of the matter is that these two were probably on the top of my list, and for damn good reason too. It’s not like I have some kind of weird anime fetish or something… okay, so maybe I do, but who says it’s “weird” in the first place? What’s really weird is that suspicious growth behind your neck, dick.
The first thing you’ll notice about Elastigirl is her monstrous ass and thicker-than-life legs. Although during The Incredibles movie she never suffocated a villain using her majestically expanding ass and legs, I’ve got no doubt in my mind that more than a handful of evildoers died a beautiful death within the bosom of her elastic butt cheeks. And that, my friends, is one of the only two times where death by asphyxiation is a good way to go (note: if you can’t figure out the other way, now would be a good time to consider which method of ritual suicide best suits you).
Getting back to Elastigirl, there was a key scene in The Incredibles where she tells her soon-to-be husband Mr. Incredible that he needs to be more “flexible.” In doing so, she twists and stretches her fine ass all over his body, leaving him speechless (and with a semi-boner I’m sure) as she gets away. Any hetero male who saw the movie knows exactly which scene I’m talking about, and for the next 10 minutes or so, all you could do was try to jot down which of the infinite sexual positions you would try out with her. Just think of what she could do with that torso? I don’t mean to get too graphic here, but she could totally be licking your balls while you’re… well… balls deep inside of her. Giggity!
But aside from the obvious advantages of her stretchiness and flexibility, Elastigirl also had a sexy-ass voice. A quick Googling reveals said voice to belong to Holly Hunter, whom although a bit old, I would still bang (pretending of course, she was Elastigirl the whole time – yes, I would make her wear some kind of mask from the movie).
Final thought: Erin Esurance and Elastigirl would make for some good old-fashioned animated lesbian porn. And in case you were curious, yes there are plenty of NSFW pics of Elastigirl – here’s one of them.
Alright, so I’ve decided to start up a new category in the blog of death called “Chicks I’d Bang,” in which I’ll blog about… well… chicks I’d bang. However, El Gammy is not the one to simply list off hot chicks who anyone would bang, this category will be made of borderline/questionable chicks that the average douche might not even bang, but I would because let’s face it: I’m pretty fucken sick.
And so… without further ado… the very first chick in my new “Chicks I’d Bang” category is Erin Esurance. Erin who? Erin Esurance you tool. The animated chick from the Esurance commercials. You know, she fights bad guys, pimps esurance and always teases some douchestick male sidekick of hers? Yeah, her. Here she is in her full animated splendor:
You can she Erin has, among other generous ASSets, pink hair. This is just fine, as El Gammy has yet to poke a pink-haired pussy. More importantly than her pink hair though, is her huge rack, great ass and sexy voice – three very favorable traits in my bang or wouldn’t bang decision-making process. Furthermore, the commercials will show she is extremely flexible and athletic, leading me to believe she’ll be a hella good lay.
Some of you may be bothered by the fact that she’s animated, and that’s okay, I’m really bothered that a lot of you aren’t just animated pieces of someone else’s imagination – so like me, you’re just gonna have to learn to deal with it. In the meantime, I’ll be attentively watching all of esurance’s ads on TV. If I’m lucky, virtual sex like the kind Sylvester Stallone had with Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man will come around before I die.
So this one’s for you Erin, I’ll quote, buy, print you anytime… and then… you know… do other stuff to you too.
