El Gammy’s Blog of Death

I know what you’re thinking: Simpsons did it. But before you go on making your retarded judgments, do yourself a favor and finish reading the post for once will ya? Jerk.

Approximately two weeks ago, the Phoenix valley began consistently hitting around 110-degree temperatures day in and day out. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that sooner or later it’s bound to get unlivable here. I’m talking about bursting into flames or combusting as soon as the sun’s rays touch your skin. Right now if you walk into the sun, your skin will begin to sting as the sun begins to punish your epidermis – even if your skin is brown (like mine) and therefore better adept to handle cancer-causing UV rays (suck it whiteys).

Well, we’ve got retractable dome roofs on stadiums all over the world, entire football fields that slide in and out of stadiums, man-made lakes, and even man-made islands… I figure a rotating, solar-powered panel that provides shade for an entire metropolitan area is not as far-fetched as it once was. Check out my paint-made illustrations for the basic premise of my super fantastic idea:

El Gammy Saves All Life on Phoenix 8AM

El Gammy Saves Phoenix 12PM

El Gammy Saves Phoenix 4PM

I’ll leave it up to the experts to figure out the architectural concerns and nuances. I already took into account the cost of powering such a structure by making the cover panels solar-powered and completely self-sufficient, all they have to figure out is where to put the axis and support beams. Once that is taken care of, ask Uncle Obama for some money to cover the initial cost of this beast and we’re ready to build.

Of course, this thing would only be up during the intolerable summer months, so for the rest of the 9 months people can still soak in the cancer-causing rays and play in the outdoors to their heart’s content. Despite my best efforts, I cannot think of a single reason why anyone in their right mind would be opposed to this. This is pretty much the best idea ever thought in the history of thinking, as it has no flaws whatsoever. Not one.

The building in the background symbolizes the state of my schlong when I'm causing the Great Squeal in the Sky

I’ve mentioned before that holySheep! introduced me to the psychedelic, soothing sounds of Pink Floyd, so with that in mind, I guess this new theory is due in large part to his obsession with flying pigs, symbolic walls, the dark side of certain celestial bodies and ancient English dudes with terrible teeth.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, which includes “The Great Gig in the Sky.” If you haven’t heard it, you should be shot point-blank in the face by Qui-Gon Jinn like he does to numerous Eurobags in Taken.  For the rest of us non-tools, we’re all familiar with the way that black chick just explodes vocally on that track (I’m assuming she’s black because white chicks just don’t have the badonkadonk it takes to power such beautifully deafening melody).

Well, every time I hear that song, my perverted mind just drifts away to imagine me plowing into some hot chick and hearing her orgasm in the exact same way: OH OWH OH OOOOOOOHHWHHHWWHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WWHUU OH WWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…. Well that doesn’t really translate well into text, but you get the point. I listen to that song and I can easily picture myself making a chick squeal at the very top of her lungs; shattering her vocal cords in ecstasy… Hence, The Great Squeal in the Sky.

Of course in real life it sounds more like the automated answering message you hear when you call Wells Fargo Credit Card Services, but damnit I can still dream.

Douchehinder Bagesh (aka Mohinder Suresh) is currently the narrator for Heroes, a show I’ve come to love passionately, like a warm fart trapped under the covers during a cold winter morning. I’ll go into the details of how much I fucking hate Douchehinder – and what a total, complete DOUCHEBAG he is later – but in the meantime, here’s a list of people whom I think should replace Bagesh as the Heroes’ Narrator (in no particular order):

• Morgan Freeman
• Mufasa (aka James Earl Jones)
• Gilbert Godfrey
• Tom Hanks doing the Forrest Gump voice
• Damon Wayans doing the Major Payne voice
• Michael Weston
• The Narrator from Big Lebowski
• Christopher Walken
• Christian Bale doing the incredibly deep voice from The Dark Knight (”Where’s Rachel?”)
• Louis Armstrong (even dead he’ll still do a better job than Douchehinder)

I will add more as I think of them. Feel free to offer up your silly suggestions, even though they’re doomed to pale in comparison to mine.

Metallica makes shopping “Metal.” Sung to the tune of One:

Welcome everybody. Thank you for having me here. Well, first and foremost I would like to say that I think Michael Vick is an idiot – before I continue I wanted to make that very clear. The guy was a mediocre quarterback (at best) who was incredibly entertaining to watch, and because of that he got paid a lot of money. He couldn’t read defenses, put some touch on his throws or be consistently accurate with his passes, but he could sure run like hell. All he needed to do was stay out of trouble. You’d figure that if you’ve got all that money from just running, there MUST be at least a few legal activities he can engage in for fun.

Having said that, I really don’t see what the big deal is. So he conspired to kill some dogs, so what? Everyone seems to be forgetting here that the only “victims” involved with the “scandal” ARE FUCKING DOGS. That’s right: dogs – Canis lupus familiaris. Not humans, not even retarded humans or midgets or paraplegics… just dogs. Creatures inferior to humans with no opposable thumbs, no ability to speak, and no capacity to disregard their own feces (thanks Jules). Sure, they’ve got personality, and personality goes a long way, but not long enough (in my humble opinion) to warrant an uproar such as this.

Think about it – if dogs were so fucking great, why aren’t they protesting for equal rights? Where are their activist groups and civil rights organizations picketing away in front of the Falcon’s training facilities? These stupid creatures can’t fend for themselves so instead they have to rely on ridiculous Nazi groups like PETA to fight their battles. Dogs are so lame, in fact, that they don’t have a single professional sports team named after them. What about the Cleveland Browns you say? Well, last time I checked “Brown” was, in fact, a color, not an animal.

The weirdest part about the situation is that Michael Vick’s crimes aren’t all that bad when compared to some of the shit other athletes have pulled… in the same league. Take Rams’ defensive end Leonard Little, for example. Our simple-minded friend decided to get behind the wheel after a drunken birthday party and plow into another driver, killing her instantly. His punishment? 90 days in jail, four years probation and 1000 hours of community service. 5 years later he was caught drunk driving while speeding again, and got another slap on the wrist to show for it.

Then we’ve got one of my favorite all-time linebackers, Mr. Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens. Lewis was involved in an altercation at a night club that ended up with two dead “brothas” after multiple stab wounds. After accepting a plea deal (just as Vick is doing), Lewis was sentenced to 12 months probation. Both Little and Lewis went on to play immediately afterwards, so where was all the outrage then? Where was the activist groups clamoring for them to be suspended, or sponsors threatening to drop the NFL?

And then there’s Pacman Jones, who despite having been in countless run-ins with the law and provoking a gun fight at a bar that paralyzed an innocent man STILL HAS HIS FREEDOM. I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you that Michael Vick is any less stupid than Pacman Jones, but if I would have to guess, I’d say Michael Vick has a slightly better chance of not being officially diagnosed as retarded. Overall, I’m sure all rational thinkers would agree that society would be better off with Jones behind bars instead of Vick.
The point is that one thing has been made abundantly clear throughout this fiasco: the general population values dog lives over human lives.

Maybe its because we’re used to seeing humans killing or harming one another, or maybe PETA is just 10 times more effective than all the leading human rights movements combined, but as it stands in the US; if you fuck with animals, you’re fucked – no matter who you are. If you fuck with other humans, that’s okay, you’ll have a better chance of getting away with it. Just ask O.J. Simpson.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m always advocating for more death, especially for humans. This earth is overpopulated, so the more that bite the dust the better. But the fact that dogs are seemingly valued more than humans just doesn’t still well with me. Call me elitist, but I just think humans bring more to the proverbial table (aka this earth) than dogs.

To end this statement, here are my previously written comments from another blog:

Does anyone else find it extremely hilarious that the 50-plus dogs that were confiscated from Vick’s property are going to be euthanized? After all the shitstorm, they’re gonna kill every last one of them. At least with Vick if they performed well they would get to survive… now they’ve got no chance in hell.

I’m not sure if dogs think about these things, but I’d rather go down fighting in a blaze of glory than to be weakly put to sleep. If they’re gonna kill the dogs anyway, they might as well let them fight and entertain the masses on their way out.

[After somebody said that was the most moronic thing they have ever heard, here was my next comment]

Some pigs are bred for bacon. Some cows are bred for burgers and milk. Some horses are bred for racing. Some dogs are bred for to prance around for stupid dog shows. And some dogs are bred for fighting. Being on the top of the food chain, we humans can do whatever the fuck we want with these animals.

Plus, animals fight each other all the goddamn time in the wild. Most of the time there is a lot of pussy at stake. The simple rule of evolution is that only the strong survive. So the strongest lion gets to mate with all the females in the pride, the biggest, baddest deer gets the doe, and the ram with the biggest horns gets to bone the bitch ram right after his fight. That’s how the best genes get passed on from generation to generation.

When humans intervene, the fastest horse gets to screw all the fillies and the dogs that win fights get all the bitches, so dog fighters are really doing nature a favor. And let’s not even get into cockfighting, because that happens naturally in more ways than can be counted.

I’m just saying, there’s been worst forms of entertainment than dogfighting. Like the Miss Teen USA Pageant.