Approximately two weeks ago, the Phoenix valley began consistently hitting around 110-degree temperatures day in and day out. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that sooner or later it’s bound to get unlivable here. I’m talking about bursting into flames or combusting as soon as the sun’s rays touch your skin. Right now if you walk into the sun, your skin will begin to sting as the sun begins to punish your epidermis – even if your skin is brown (like mine) and therefore better adept to handle cancer-causing UV rays (suck it whiteys).

Well, we’ve got retractable dome roofs on stadiums all over the world, entire football fields that slide in and out of stadiums, man-made lakes, and even man-made islands… I figure a rotating, solar-powered panel that provides shade for an entire metropolitan area is not as far-fetched as it once was. Check out my paint-made illustrations for the basic premise of my super fantastic idea:

El Gammy Saves All Life on Phoenix 8AM

El Gammy Saves Phoenix 12PM

El Gammy Saves Phoenix 4PM

I’ll leave it up to the experts to figure out the architectural concerns and nuances. I already took into account the cost of powering such a structure by making the cover panels solar-powered and completely self-sufficient, all they have to figure out is where to put the axis and support beams. Once that is taken care of, ask Uncle Obama for some money to cover the initial cost of this beast and we’re ready to build.

Of course, this thing would only be up during the intolerable summer months, so for the rest of the 9 months people can still soak in the cancer-causing rays and play in the outdoors to their heart’s content. Despite my best efforts, I cannot think of a single reason why anyone in their right mind would be opposed to this. This is pretty much the best idea ever thought in the history of thinking, as it has no flaws whatsoever. Not one.

The building in the background symbolizes the state of my schlong when I'm causing the Great Squeal in the Sky

I’ve mentioned before that holySheep! introduced me to the psychedelic, soothing sounds of Pink Floyd, so with that in mind, I guess this new theory is due in large part to his obsession with flying pigs, symbolic walls, the dark side of certain celestial bodies and ancient English dudes with terrible teeth.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, which includes “The Great Gig in the Sky.” If you haven’t heard it, you should be shot point-blank in the face by Qui-Gon Jinn like he does to numerous Eurobags in Taken.  For the rest of us non-tools, we’re all familiar with the way that black chick just explodes vocally on that track (I’m assuming she’s black because white chicks just don’t have the badonkadonk it takes to power such beautifully deafening melody).

Well, every time I hear that song, my perverted mind just drifts away to imagine me plowing into some hot chick and hearing her orgasm in the exact same way: OH OWH OH OOOOOOOHHWHHHWWHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WWHUU OH WWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…. Well that doesn’t really translate well into text, but you get the point. I listen to that song and I can easily picture myself making a chick squeal at the very top of her lungs; shattering her vocal cords in ecstasy… Hence, The Great Squeal in the Sky.

Of course in real life it sounds more like the automated answering message you hear when you call Wells Fargo Credit Card Services, but damnit I can still dream.

• Morgan Freeman
• Mufasa (aka James Earl Jones)
• Gilbert Godfrey
• Tom Hanks doing the Forrest Gump voice
• Damon Wayans doing the Major Payne voice
• Michael Weston
• The Narrator from Big Lebowski
• Christopher Walken
• Christian Bale doing the incredibly deep voice from The Dark Knight (”Where’s Rachel?”)
• Louis Armstrong (even dead he’ll still do a better job than Douchehinder)

I will add more as I think of them. Feel free to offer up your silly suggestions, even though they’re doomed to pale in comparison to mine.

Having said that, I really don’t see what the big deal is. So he conspired to kill some dogs, so what? Everyone seems to be forgetting here that the only “victims” involved with the “scandal” ARE FUCKING DOGS. That’s right: dogs – Canis lupus familiaris. Not humans, not even retarded humans or midgets or paraplegics… just dogs. Creatures inferior to humans with no opposable thumbs, no ability to speak, and no capacity to disregard their own feces (thanks Jules). Sure, they’ve got personality, and personality goes a long way, but not long enough (in my humble opinion) to warrant an uproar such as this.

Think about it – if dogs were so fucking great, why aren’t they protesting for equal rights? Where are their activist groups and civil rights organizations picketing away in front of the Falcon’s training facilities? These stupid creatures can’t fend for themselves so instead they have to rely on ridiculous Nazi groups like PETA to fight their battles. Dogs are so lame, in fact, that they don’t have a single professional sports team named after them. What about the Cleveland Browns you say? Well, last time I checked “Brown” was, in fact, a color, not an animal.

The weirdest part about the situation is that Michael Vick’s crimes aren’t all that bad when compared to some of the shit other athletes have pulled… in the same league. Take Rams’ defensive end Leonard Little, for example. Our simple-minded friend decided to get behind the wheel after a drunken birthday party and plow into another driver, killing her instantly. His punishment? 90 days in jail, four years probation and 1000 hours of community service. 5 years later he was caught drunk driving while speeding again, and got another slap on the wrist to show for it.

Then we’ve got one of my favorite all-time linebackers, Mr. Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens. Lewis was involved in an altercation at a night club that ended up with two dead “brothas” after multiple stab wounds. After accepting a plea deal (just as Vick is doing), Lewis was sentenced to 12 months probation. Both Little and Lewis went on to play immediately afterwards, so where was all the outrage then? Where was the activist groups clamoring for them to be suspended, or sponsors threatening to drop the NFL?

And then there’s Pacman Jones, who despite having been in countless run-ins with the law and provoking a gun fight at a bar that paralyzed an innocent man STILL HAS HIS FREEDOM. I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you that Michael Vick is any less stupid than Pacman Jones, but if I would have to guess, I’d say Michael Vick has a slightly better chance of not being officially diagnosed as retarded. Overall, I’m sure all rational thinkers would agree that society would be better off with Jones behind bars instead of Vick.
The point is that one thing has been made abundantly clear throughout this fiasco: the general population values dog lives over human lives.

Maybe its because we’re used to seeing humans killing or harming one another, or maybe PETA is just 10 times more effective than all the leading human rights movements combined, but as it stands in the US; if you fuck with animals, you’re fucked – no matter who you are. If you fuck with other humans, that’s okay, you’ll have a better chance of getting away with it. Just ask O.J. Simpson.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m always advocating for more death, especially for humans. This earth is overpopulated, so the more that bite the dust the better. But the fact that dogs are seemingly valued more than humans just doesn’t still well with me. Call me elitist, but I just think humans bring more to the proverbial table (aka this earth) than dogs.

To end this statement, here are my previously written comments from another blog:

Does anyone else find it extremely hilarious that the 50-plus dogs that were confiscated from Vick’s property are going to be euthanized? After all the shitstorm, they’re gonna kill every last one of them. At least with Vick if they performed well they would get to survive… now they’ve got no chance in hell.

I’m not sure if dogs think about these things, but I’d rather go down fighting in a blaze of glory than to be weakly put to sleep. If they’re gonna kill the dogs anyway, they might as well let them fight and entertain the masses on their way out.

[After somebody said that was the most moronic thing they have ever heard, here was my next comment]

Some pigs are bred for bacon. Some cows are bred for burgers and milk. Some horses are bred for racing. Some dogs are bred for to prance around for stupid dog shows. And some dogs are bred for fighting. Being on the top of the food chain, we humans can do whatever the fuck we want with these animals.

Plus, animals fight each other all the goddamn time in the wild. Most of the time there is a lot of pussy at stake. The simple rule of evolution is that only the strong survive. So the strongest lion gets to mate with all the females in the pride, the biggest, baddest deer gets the doe, and the ram with the biggest horns gets to bone the bitch ram right after his fight. That’s how the best genes get passed on from generation to generation.

When humans intervene, the fastest horse gets to screw all the fillies and the dogs that win fights get all the bitches, so dog fighters are really doing nature a favor. And let’s not even get into cockfighting, because that happens naturally in more ways than can be counted.

I’m just saying, there’s been worst forms of entertainment than dogfighting. Like the Miss Teen USA Pageant.

With that said, it’s damn near impossible to get a six pack if you’re Mexican. It’s one thing to maintain it if you’re just naturally skinny, but once you settle down and stop being active every day, you’ve got about as much chance as a white girl trapped in a random hotel room with Kobe Bryant to get it back.

You see, the Mexican culture – more so than maybe every other culture besides Italians – is centered around food. There isn’t a single social gathering in which some illegally delicious dish isn’t readily available. Be it weddings and quinceaneras or just a simple gathering on any given Sunday during the NFL season, some form of beans and tortillas are surely lurking around the corner.

This is not entirely a bad thing, since we do get to splurge on beantastically awesome food… but it’s a slippery slope. For starters, there are very few Mexican women who make it past their mid-twenties in any decent shape, and Satan help you if you’re a man trying to put up with their shit while staying in shape yourself. Sure they make good food, but their drama and bullshit is hardly ever worth killing yourself in the gym for.

And even when you do find some alternative motivation to get your six pack back, you’re forced to do so while constantly resisting the temptation of all the delicious meals by your woman, your mom and all 37 of your aunts, grandmas and friends of the family. Unless you cut yourself off completely from your family (impossible even for the whitest of beaners), you’re pretty much fucked.

By the way, this is all assuming you’ve managed to somehow give up on Corona, Dos Equis, Pacifico and all the other rapidly mind-numbing liquor produced in the motherland.

I tell ya’… reclaiming a six pack as a Beaner is one of the most exhausting activities a human can possibly engage in… outside of soccer.

Check out this new anorexic laptop by Intel:

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

…it’s a mere .7 inches thick and weighs just 2.25 pounds. It’s no dumb blonde, either, packed with Intel’s speediest and most efficient components, which will probably be plenty fast by the time this machine is manufactured, maybe even as soon as the end of this year.

Okay, so maybe it’s no dumb blonde, but what good is a blonde without her huge rack? Damnit, that analogy didn’t work all that well… fuck it… the point is: skinny things blow. And not in a good way, skinny things are lame, retarded, ugly and more inconvenient than they’re made out to be.

Let’s take a look at two prime examples in the world of bitches: Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley. When these hos first made it big, they were plump, juicy and had something to hold on to, especially Lindsey. Please see exhibit A and exhibit B (or more like exhibits 36Cs… giggity, giggity, alright). Not bad right?

Now let’s look at stupid skinny Lindsay. Pretty fucked up isn’t it? Who in their right mind would prefer stupid skinny Lindsay over normal, big-breasted Lindsay?

As for Keira, here’s a shot of her pre-skinny psycho mode. And here’s a pic of her after the skeletor treatment. Pretty much an open and shut case right?

A favorite garment of these skinny bitches is skinny jeans. All you need to know about them is that they’re overly expensive without making their ass look any better.

In the world of phones, thin and flimsy phones like the razr, the krzr and the slvr have not only found their way into purses and pockets everywhere, but they’ve also managed to fuck up perfectly spelled words and even invent some needlessly new ones. What the fuck is a “crazor” anyway?

Much like stupid skinny models and celebrities, these phones are fickle, fragile and in most cases, faggoty. They’ll break on the first fall and completely malfunction when they’re introduced to food. Thick manly phones, on the other hand, can withstand anything – yes, even a nuclear war. You’ll see.

So there you have it. Fuck all things skinny. Give me big breasts, chicks whose ribs you CAN’T see, regular jeans, sturdy phones and tough laptops. The only thing these overly thin accessories are convenient for is if you’re lubing them up and sticking them straight up your candy ass. And unless you’re some kind of sick-ass smuggler who is getting paid good money for importing these devices into an impoverished country, you should really have no business doing such things, you ssssssick fffffreak.

I’m not talking about pre-op or post-op transexuals, or the circus-dwelling, hermaphroditic freaks of the world. No, no, no – I’m talking about regular men. Hair-covered, meat-powered, smelly, dirty, testosterone-laden men. The same exact men that watch sports, drink beer, make stupid bets and actually believe their team is gonna do better because they’re wearing their lucky socks. Yes, men just like me, Albert Pujols, Chuck Norris, John Wayne, Ray Lewis and Wilt Chamberlin… except with manginas instead of massive schlongs.

Why?

Because women fuck everything up. More than that, their titties fuck everything up. Anything that’s ever been pure and good has been somehow ruined by women and their feelings, emotions, estrogen and most specifically, their mammaries. But this is not a rant against women; it’s an argument against the existence of a divine, all-powerful being.

You see, for the first 16 years of his life, El Gammy was forced against his will to attend a hypocrisy center (most of you know it as “church”). Inevitably, during these 16 years I happened to pick up some of the twisted logic and fanaticism of christianity. Now, in order to explain why the absence of men with vaginas is an argument against “intelligent” design (which, quite frankly, is a questionable naming for a creation theory) I’m gonna have to share some of that knowledge with you here. So here it goes:

Basically, the reason why “God” created man was because he was bored with his angels. They were mindless, soulless drones who were created with the sole purpose to worship god. For eons, all they did every single second was worship god – sing to him, dance for him, and praise his name, power and glory. Naturally, this wasn’t enough for the greedy, selfish, all-mighty being. He wanted douchebags who actually had a choice to willingly worship him because they genuinely wanted to, not because they were programmed to.

So, one day he decides to create the sun and the stars, the oceans, the mountains, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and then he creates man. Of course, the bible will tell you that god is a merciful god, who will forgive us no matter what we do, or how bad of sinners we are, and herein lies my problem:

If god wants us to worship him blindly, live for him and genuinely praise his name out of our own sheer will, then why create women? Why create boobs? Why create beautiful creatures with awesome curves that make it extra easy for us to lust over?

Tits make it virtually impossible to focus entirely on god, which is why the entire “intelligent design” theory is a crock of shit. If “god” were truly intelligent, he would NOT have created direct competition for the attention of males. As things stand, men have to choose between tits and god – they can’t have both. And everyone knows tits are the prevalent choice among hetero males.

Instead of creating women, their emotions and their tits – a real intelligent being would have done away entirely with estrogen and went right to men with vaginas. There… that’s it… there’s the method for procreation. You get guys with dicks and guys with pussies. Men with testicles and men with ovaries. On the outside they would look exactly the same, but on the inside, some men would have the ability to carry a baby in their womb for nine months. This would basically do away with the porn industry, and eliminate homosexuality altogether.

Without having to worry about naked chicks and their tits, men would be “free,” so to speak, to worship a god. Of course, that’s not the case… and because there are no men with vaginas, then the “intelligent design” theory is nothing more than that: a theory.

Conclusion: Tissue only develops in the brain OR the boobs.

Over the last few weeks she’s been incessantly asking for a puppy, while I’ve been adamantly denying her one. She always asks “why” and I always answer with: “you’re not ready for that type of responsibility.” I’ve had to explain to her how puppies typically grow up to be stupid needy dogs that you need to feed, play with and constantly clean up after.

To make my point clear I’ve asked her what she would do with her puppy whenever she leaves to school or goes out to play, to which she replies “put him in a cage until I come back.” Aside from being hilarious, I’m pretty sure that would be considered cruel by all you normies’ standards.

Note: “Normies” is my name for all you conventional-thinking people who are politically correct, act the way society expects you to act and never think outside the box. Inherently, I’m sure none of you normies actually read El Gammy’s Blog of Death, but it’s okay, I still like to pretend you do. See?

Anyways, the Kid’s questions got me thinking about leasing puppies. I’ve always said that dogs are cool when they’re puppies and they don’t cause too much trouble while remaining somewhat visually appealing (what can I say, I’m a sucker for the aptly named “sad puppy eyes”). But once they start getting bigger, they also start getting uglier, needier, and eventually become a substantial burden – a burden which, at the Kid’s age, would undoubtedly fall on my lap.

So to prevent said burden, why not lease puppies just like you lease cars? Dogs depreciate faster than any car or property out there. As soon as you pick them out of the litter, they’re tainted goods, and you’ll never get back what you paid for them. And so, before they get too big and too troublesome, I propose pet stores begin taking these puppies back right before they reach adulthood.

Got too much mileage on that puppy? Trade it in for a new one. It’ll be cuter, cuddlier and will require significantly less maintenance in comparison to that heap of junk at the end of your leash. Granted, you’ll never really own Fido, but by the time you trade him in, you wouldn’t have grown sentimentally attached anyway.

Leasing puppies would really work out great for everyone involved, from the leasers who keep getting a new puppy every few months, to the pet stores who keep making money with every new lease. But that’s not all – I’m sure by this time you’re wondering what would become of the maturing dogs who have been brought back to the pet store. Well, never fear, for El Gammy has worked out an absolutely brilliant solution to that too.

Ready? Instead of trying to sell these used dogs back to the general public, or sending them off to the pound where they will just buy some extra time before they’re executed, we take these dogs, put them on a huge boat and sell them to the Chinese! Think about it: the Chinese love their dog food (get it?), as they believe dog meat to be a potent aphrodisiac, so they would be more than happy to get all these dogs off our hands and into their restaurants. Best of all, not only would this increase the US’s exports and stimulate the economy, but it would also improve foreign relations with a potentially dangerous country. We’d be killing two birds (and thousands of stupid dogs) with one stone.

If that’s not a brilliant idea, then I don’t know what is. Although personally I never really found what was so ingenious about sliced bread. So there you have it people. Start writing letters to your Congressmen about leasing puppies. The future of our country depends on it.