El Gammy’s Blog of Death

I was lucky enough to have an incredible metabolism growing up, so I could pig out at every sitting and never gain a single pound while retaining my six pack. Even when I was gorging myself with protein, creatin and testosterone during my high school years, I still managed to add muscle and mass without losing the old’ washboard.

With that said, it’s damn near impossible to get a six pack if you’re Mexican. It’s one thing to maintain it if you’re just naturally skinny, but once you settle down and stop being active every day, you’ve got about as much chance as a white girl trapped in a random hotel room with Kobe Bryant to get it back.

You see, the Mexican culture – more so than maybe every other culture besides Italians – is centered around food. There isn’t a single social gathering in which some illegally delicious dish isn’t readily available. Be it weddings and quinceaneras or just a simple gathering on any given Sunday during the NFL season, some form of beans and tortillas are surely lurking around the corner.

This is not entirely a bad thing, since we do get to splurge on beantastically awesome food… but it’s a slippery slope. For starters, there are very few Mexican women who make it past their mid-twenties in any decent shape, and Satan help you if you’re a man trying to put up with their shit while staying in shape yourself. Sure they make good food, but their drama and bullshit is hardly ever worth killing yourself in the gym for.

And even when you do find some alternative motivation to get your six pack back, you’re forced to do so while constantly resisting the temptation of all the delicious meals by your woman, your mom and all 37 of your aunts, grandmas and friends of the family. Unless you cut yourself off completely from your family (impossible even for the whitest of beaners), you’re pretty much fucked.

By the way, this is all assuming you’ve managed to somehow give up on Corona, Dos Equis, Pacifico and all the other rapidly mind-numbing liquor produced in the motherland.

I tell ya’… reclaiming a six pack as a Beaner is one of the most exhausting activities a human can possibly engage in… outside of soccer.

You know what really grinds my gears? People’s obsessions with all things skinny. Skinny models, skinny phones, skinny jeans, and the latest in this skinny fetish: laptops.

Check out this new anorexic laptop by Intel:

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

…it’s a mere .7 inches thick and weighs just 2.25 pounds. It’s no dumb blonde, either, packed with Intel’s speediest and most efficient components, which will probably be plenty fast by the time this machine is manufactured, maybe even as soon as the end of this year.

Okay, so maybe it’s no dumb blonde, but what good is a blonde without her huge rack? Damnit, that analogy didn’t work all that well… fuck it… the point is: skinny things blow. And not in a good way, skinny things are lame, retarded, ugly and more inconvenient than they’re made out to be.

Let’s take a look at two prime examples in the world of bitches: Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley. When these hos first made it big, they were plump, juicy and had something to hold on to, especially Lindsey. Please see exhibit A and exhibit B (or more like exhibits 36Cs… giggity, giggity, alright). Not bad right?

Now let’s look at stupid skinny Lindsay. Pretty fucked up isn’t it? Who in their right mind would prefer stupid skinny Lindsay over normal, big-breasted Lindsay?

As for Keira, here’s a shot of her pre-skinny psycho mode. And here’s a pic of her after the skeletor treatment. Pretty much an open and shut case right?

A favorite garment of these skinny bitches is skinny jeans. All you need to know about them is that they’re overly expensive without making their ass look any better.

In the world of phones, thin and flimsy phones like the razr, the krzr and the slvr have not only found their way into purses and pockets everywhere, but they’ve also managed to fuck up perfectly spelled words and even invent some needlessly new ones. What the fuck is a “crazor” anyway?

Much like stupid skinny models and celebrities, these phones are fickle, fragile and in most cases, faggoty. They’ll break on the first fall and completely malfunction when they’re introduced to food. Thick manly phones, on the other hand, can withstand anything – yes, even a nuclear war. You’ll see.

So there you have it. Fuck all things skinny. Give me big breasts, chicks whose ribs you CAN’T see, regular jeans, sturdy phones and tough laptops. The only thing these overly thin accessories are convenient for is if you’re lubing them up and sticking them straight up your candy ass. And unless you’re some kind of sick-ass smuggler who is getting paid good money for importing these devices into an impoverished country, you should really have no business doing such things, you ssssssick fffffreak.

One of the main reasons I don’t believe in the “Intelligent Design” theory is that there are no men with vaginas in the world.

I’m not talking about pre-op or post-op transexuals, or the circus-dwelling, hermaphroditic freaks of the world. No, no, no – I’m talking about regular men. Hair-covered, meat-powered, smelly, dirty, testosterone-laden men. The same exact men that watch sports, drink beer, make stupid bets and actually believe their team is gonna do better because they’re wearing their lucky socks. Yes, men just like me, Albert Pujols, Chuck Norris, John Wayne, Ray Lewis and Wilt Chamberlin… except with manginas instead of massive schlongs.

Why?

Because women fuck everything up. More than that, their titties fuck everything up. Anything that’s ever been pure and good has been somehow ruined by women and their feelings, emotions, estrogen and most specifically, their mammaries. But this is not a rant against women; it’s an argument against the existence of a divine, all-powerful being.

You see, for the first 16 years of his life, El Gammy was forced against his will to attend a hypocrisy center (most of you know it as “church”). Inevitably, during these 16 years I happened to pick up some of the twisted logic and fanaticism of christianity. Now, in order to explain why the absence of men with vaginas is an argument against “intelligent” design (which, quite frankly, is a questionable naming for a creation theory) I’m gonna have to share some of that knowledge with you here. So here it goes:

Basically, the reason why “God” created man was because he was bored with his angels. They were mindless, soulless drones who were created with the sole purpose to worship god. For eons, all they did every single second was worship god – sing to him, dance for him, and praise his name, power and glory. Naturally, this wasn’t enough for the greedy, selfish, all-mighty being. He wanted douchebags who actually had a choice to willingly worship him because they genuinely wanted to, not because they were programmed to.

So, one day he decides to create the sun and the stars, the oceans, the mountains, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and then he creates man. Of course, the bible will tell you that god is a merciful god, who will forgive us no matter what we do, or how bad of sinners we are, and herein lies my problem:

If god wants us to worship him blindly, live for him and genuinely praise his name out of our own sheer will, then why create women? Why create boobs? Why create beautiful creatures with awesome curves that make it extra easy for us to lust over?

Tits make it virtually impossible to focus entirely on god, which is why the entire “intelligent design” theory is a crock of shit. If “god” were truly intelligent, he would NOT have created direct competition for the attention of males. As things stand, men have to choose between tits and god – they can’t have both. And everyone knows tits are the prevalent choice among hetero males.

Instead of creating women, their emotions and their tits – a real intelligent being would have done away entirely with estrogen and went right to men with vaginas. There… that’s it… there’s the method for procreation. You get guys with dicks and guys with pussies. Men with testicles and men with ovaries. On the outside they would look exactly the same, but on the inside, some men would have the ability to carry a baby in their womb for nine months. This would basically do away with the porn industry, and eliminate homosexuality altogether.

Without having to worry about naked chicks and their tits, men would be “free,” so to speak, to worship a god. Of course, that’s not the case… and because there are no men with vaginas, then the “intelligent design” theory is nothing more than that: a theory.

Conclusion: Tissue only develops in the brain OR the boobs.

My daughter gave me what I think is an awesome idea the other day. And since I’m usually right in the way I think, then it must be an awesome idea.

Over the last few weeks she’s been incessantly asking for a puppy, while I’ve been adamantly denying her one. She always asks “why” and I always answer with: “you’re not ready for that type of responsibility.” I’ve had to explain to her how puppies typically grow up to be stupid needy dogs that you need to feed, play with and constantly clean up after.

To make my point clear I’ve asked her what she would do with her puppy whenever she leaves to school or goes out to play, to which she replies “put him in a cage until I come back.” Aside from being hilarious, I’m pretty sure that would be considered cruel by all you normies’ standards.

Note: “Normies” is my name for all you conventional-thinking people who are politically correct, act the way society expects you to act and never think outside the box. Inherently, I’m sure none of you normies actually read El Gammy’s Blog of Death, but it’s okay, I still like to pretend you do. See?

Anyways, the Kid’s questions got me thinking about leasing puppies. I’ve always said that dogs are cool when they’re puppies and they don’t cause too much trouble while remaining somewhat visually appealing (what can I say, I’m a sucker for the aptly named “sad puppy eyes”). But once they start getting bigger, they also start getting uglier, needier, and eventually become a substantial burden – a burden which, at the Kid’s age, would undoubtedly fall on my lap.

So to prevent said burden, why not lease puppies just like you lease cars? Dogs depreciate faster than any car or property out there. As soon as you pick them out of the litter, they’re tainted goods, and you’ll never get back what you paid for them. And so, before they get too big and too troublesome, I propose pet stores begin taking these puppies back right before they reach adulthood.

Got too much mileage on that puppy? Trade it in for a new one. It’ll be cuter, cuddlier and will require significantly less maintenance in comparison to that heap of junk at the end of your leash. Granted, you’ll never really own Fido, but by the time you trade him in, you wouldn’t have grown sentimentally attached anyway.

Leasing puppies would really work out great for everyone involved, from the leasers who keep getting a new puppy every few months, to the pet stores who keep making money with every new lease. But that’s not all – I’m sure by this time you’re wondering what would become of the maturing dogs who have been brought back to the pet store. Well, never fear, for El Gammy has worked out an absolutely brilliant solution to that too.

Ready? Instead of trying to sell these used dogs back to the general public, or sending them off to the pound where they will just buy some extra time before they’re executed, we take these dogs, put them on a huge boat and sell them to the Chinese! Think about it: the Chinese love their dog food (get it?), as they believe dog meat to be a potent aphrodisiac, so they would be more than happy to get all these dogs off our hands and into their restaurants. Best of all, not only would this increase the US’s exports and stimulate the economy, but it would also improve foreign relations with a potentially dangerous country. We’d be killing two birds (and thousands of stupid dogs) with one stone.

If that’s not a brilliant idea, then I don’t know what is. Although personally I never really found what was so ingenious about sliced bread. So there you have it people. Start writing letters to your Congressmen about leasing puppies. The future of our country depends on it.