El Gammy’s Blog of Death

Those of you who know me know that I’d go gay for a select few of elite men in this world. Thus far the lucky, handsome bad-asses that I’d probably take it up the tailpipe for under the right circumstances (or wrong depending on how you’re looking at it) and enough gallons of numbing lubricant include:

• The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson
• Matthew McConaughey
• Christian Bale
• Raja Bell

Today, I’d like to announce the addition of Noah Bennett aka Horn-Rimmed Glasses (HRG) aka Jack Coleman to that list. Here he is embracing the daughter he had with some undoubtedly ungrateful woman instead of gay-adopting with me:

Unlike the others on this list whose looks actually do come into play when qualifying, Bennett is the first to make it based purely and entirely on his bad-assery, as exhibited on Heroes week in and week out for 3 seasons now. Despite the fact that he’s not one of the show’s “extraordinary” humans, he uses his gigantic brain and titanic balls to face some of the Heroes’ universe most powerful jerks, while also dealing with unprecedented douche-sticks like Douchehinder Suresh and Mama Petrelli.

Never once does he flinch, or cower in the face of impending doom, instead showing a blatant disregard for his own personal safety when it comes to protecting his seemingly immortal, linebacker-shoulder-having daughter Claire. As a father, I can certainly understand protecting your youngins at all costs, and I appreciate the lengths Bennett goes to keep his family safe, even if it means being the occassional dick (it’s part of being a good father).

Please join me in celebrating the induction of Noah Bennett into the official El Gammy Man-Crush List by looking at his creepy stare through the infamous HRGs. For 8 out of 10 douchenozzles on Heroes, it’ll be the last stare they see.

I know this is a little late, as this movie is probably not even in theaters anymore, but quite frankly it wasn’t worth me putting aside whatever I was doing at the time (probably rhythmically scratching my balls) to write this post about Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

Anyways, I learned through an old episode of South Park that Aslan – the all-powerful, all-knowing, majestic talking lion – is an allegory for jesus christ. After watching the first movie, that was made painfully obvious, as the lion is resurrected and comes back to save his particular legion of freaks. He also breathes on solidified soldiers to give them life, so it’s pretty well-established that he’s supposed to be some sort of magician just like jesus.

Moving on, in Chronicles of Douchnia: Prince Bagspian, the smelly British kids go back to Narnia only to discover that Aslan is gone and most of their talking creature friends have fallen victims to genocide at the hands of the evil human “Telmarine” race.  Sure enough, they find their weapons and set out to make things right by battling the evil Telmarinian king and his armies. A decent battle ensues and countless creatures and humans die needlessly.

During all this time, the Brit kid with the most fucked-up teeth keeps insisting that the only way to avoid getting slaughtered is to find Aslan. The other kids and creatures ignore her, continue with their silly plans, and keep racking up those casualties. Finally, as Prince Bagspian and his half-human half-horse freaks make their last charge into their impending death, good ole’ Aslan comes along and saves the day by bringing the trees in the forest to life and calling upon Apollo (apparently) to wash their troubles away and drown their enemies in a furious display of waterworks and CGI.

So here’s my gripe: the entire time his people were getting killed (we’re talking hundreds of years here), Azlan was just sitting on his lazy feline ass in the middle of the forest, watching the genocide from his front-row seat. Why didn’t he help his people? Why did he wait until virtually every last minotaur, centaur and dwarf were killed before helping them out?

With his astonishing magic tricks, he could’ve prevented the Telmarinians from killing 80% of the Narnian population, not just put a timely stop to the final battle. And all he needed to do was go up to some trees and give a few roars – it’s not like he had to do any real work by suiting up and biting some fucking heads off (I wish). The only reason why he came out of hiding in the first place was because Toothy Brit Kid managed to find him in the forest and beg him for help. If she hadn’t been so goddamn “faithful,” he would’ve just remained in the woods while the last of his creatures got their comeuppance.

What’s even more astonishing is that none of the forsaken creatures ever go up to him and ask him “where the fuck were you?” or “what took you so fucking long?” Nope. They’re just all relieved that he’s finally there so they can bask in the splendor that is his mane.

I guess if the author of these book-flicks is trying to continue the jesus allegory then it sort of makes sense, since supposedly the second coming will be at Israel’s darkest hour. But still, this movie isn’t the apocalypse revisited and I expect a better explanation of why shit happened than what we get from the bible. Otherwise I’d still be a holy-roly sucker in a local hypocrisy center (aka a church).

Therefore, I call bullshit on Chronicles of Douchnia: Prince Bagspian. Screw Aslan and his worship-needs. If I were one of the last Narnian creatures I would’ve called for his Jewish… err… feline ass to be crucified right then and there. Selfish prick.

For the second time in the last week, I’ve barely avoided a collision that would have otherwise been caused by two morons who wouldn’t know the rules of the road if there were signs on the street to constantly remind them. In both instances, I was in the center lane about to make a left turn into an establishment, only to have the aforementioned toolbox try to make a left turn out of said establishment at the same time.

For some reason, each of these suck-fucking, house-cat rat dicks thought they were entitled to make their left turn in front of me, before I made my left into the establishment they were about to come out of. I know this scenario may be a bit difficult to visualize, so if you’re too stupid to put it together using my awesome and extremely accurate written description, I took the liberty of whipping out Paint to draw it out for your feeble mind:

But here’s what really grinds my gears about these jackoffs, it’s not the fact that they almost crashed into me – hell, even I’ll admit to not seeing a car every now and then – it’s the fact that after I swerved away to avoid the accident and they slam on their brakes, they do that move where they throw their hands up in the air and look at me like I’m the imbecile. They make that face that’s half-confusion, half-disgust and 100% douchebag (you know what I’m talking about… think about it). The kind of face that you cannot resist punching if you’re within the general vicinity. Yeah, that one.

Anyway, they don’t have a fucking clue that I’VE GOT THE FUCKING RIGHT OF WAY, and that they’re supposed to wait to make their turn until after I’ve made mine.

Unfortunately in both of these recent mishaps, I’ve had my windows up and therefore didn’t have time to yell out the obligatory profanities and racial/feminist slurs as they turned away. So instead of taking out some of those frustrations out on the road, where they belong, here I am bitching about it on The Blog of Death. Sigh…

[16:13] MrDouche: sweet  I was running out of girl names, so I started to go down the list of chicks I banged – which is where Girl in Toronto came from. Hope that’s ok with you, Kendra
[16:14] El Gammy: hahahahah… I hadn’t even thought about that, but unfortunately my list would’ve been pathetically short Allison
[16:16] MrDouche: the other issue is that there are several of my past bangs that had the name Jennifer, so that was a limiting factory, Brittany
[16:17] El Gammy: multiple Jennifers huh? Impressive Amanda
[16:17] MrDouche: yeah, I was a real stallion back in the day, Lynn
[16:18] El Gammy: i’ve lost too much of my “prime” banging time already, Daisy
[16:18] MrDouche: that’s a real shame, Betty
[16:18] El Gammy: tell me about it Karina
[16:19] MrDouche: my heart bleeds for you Sarah
[16:19] El Gammy: thanks Ruth
[16:19] MrDouche: you betcha Lana
[16:20] El Gammy: by the way, a spreadsheet has been started. we might soon be surpassing 200 Lois
[16:21] MrDouche: Lois was used by me about 30 or so names ago, Amie
[16:22] El Gammy: I beg to differ, Brooke
[After another quick discussion regarding work issues that I’d have to kill you if you knew…]
[15:46] MrSmith: well, a writer did not write it, so we will have to step in, Lois
[15:46] El Gammy: also, did you just now write the Sale training intro, Trish?
[15:46] MrSmith: yes…that was pulled out of my ass approximately two hours ago, Chloe.
[16:22] El Gammy: ctrl+F will reveal the truth Becky
[16:22] El Gammy: fuck
[16:22] El Gammy: I meant Louise
[16:23] El Gammy: which is spelled, and sounds differently
[16:23] MrDouche: proof is in the pudding…and Becky was also already used there Mindy
[16:23] MrDouche: Better get your name book out, Carrie
[16:25] El Gammy: son-of-a-bitch Ctrl+F has failed me for the last time, Alice
[16:25] MrDouche: your faith in your feeble technology is your weakness, Leia
[16:26] El Gammy: u sure about Becky though, Scarlett?
[16:26] MrDouche: Positive as a Mormon Salesman, Jamie
[16:27] El Gammy: shit, you’re right Frances. I’ve got no excuse for that one
[16:28] MrDouche: At some point, I am sure we will overlap, Ainsley, so don’t sweat it too hard.
[16:29] El Gammy: that’s what the spreadsheet is for Colene, to prevent that
[16:29] MrDouche: oh, ok. That makes a lot of sense to do then Melinda. Good work.
[16:30] El Gammy: it will also keep you from pulling out stretches like Ainsley every once in a while Janet
[16:31] MrDouche: I happen to have a friend who just named their daugher Ainsley, so suck it, Wendy
[16:31] El Gammy: i’ll suck on nothing Laura, that’s your job
[16:32] MrDouche: Ok, I see how it is Delilah
[16:33] El Gammy: getting biblical eh Mary?
[16:33] MrDouche: It was from a Queen song, but close enough Alicia.
[16:34] El Gammy: i try Hillary
[16:34] MrDouche: well, sorry to cut the party short, but I have to leave. We’ll talk again tomorrow Mallory
[16:35] El Gammy: I’m gonna have to break up this post into parts Tiffany
[16:35] MrDouche: You already used Tiffany before, Chelsea
[16:36] El Gammy: i double-checked that one Jesse
[16:36] MrDouche: Don’t make me find it, Gabriella
[16:37] El Gammy: try it Kelly
[16:37] El Gammy: I used Tabitha, maybe you’re getting them confused Delores
[16:38] MrDouche: maybe…either way, this talk is over for now, Cara
[16:38] El Gammy: later Rachel
[16:38] MrDouche: and we will talk to you tomorrow Crystal
[16:39] El Gammy: i’ll be here Vanessa

Weird Al wrote a song called “I’ll Sue Ya” in which he lists his incredible lawsuits against companies, states and other organizations for their negligence and lack of foresight. Here are some of the highlights:

I sued Delta Airlines
‘Cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey
I went there, and it sucked!

I sued Colorado
‘Cause you know, I think it looks a little bit too much
Like Wyoming

If I sprain my ankle
While I’m robbing your place…

If I hurt my knuckles
When I punch you in the face…

I’m gonna sue, sue
Yes, I’m gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that’s what I’m gonna do

Anyways, after coming across this gem on the wonderful world of the Internet, I have no doubt in my mind that Weird Al’s lawyer during these hard-fought court battles was none other than Sue H. Yoo of the Sullivan and Cromwell firm. I can’t make this stuff up people.