Channing Goofrye? Then again, what could possibly be more insulting than calling a guy “Channing?” Especially when using demeaning sarcasm after a bad decision: “Hey, good call on making a left turn back there Channing.”

And if the astonishing photographic evidence above doesn’t convince you, how about this classic piece of cigarrette paraphenelia?

Pau Gasol wants your children to smoke cigarettes

And just in case Pau “The Camel” Gasol happens to get his hooves on a computer and find his way to this page, here’s my message to you Pau: Si entendiste bien Pau, se que eres un pinchi camello, y van a valer verga otra vez en las finales. Ojala que te mueras.

Finally, since “Black Mamba” is the absolute most retarded NBA nickname ever, I’ve decided to start calling #24 on the Lakers “Kobe Doin’ Work.” As in, “Hey, did you hear Kobe Doin’ Work raped a girl in Colorado?” or “Do you remember when Kobe Doin’ Work scored 81 points a couple of years ago? Was that before or after he raped that white chick?” or “Kobe Doin’ Work really helped the US team win a gold medal at last year’s olympics, I wonder if he raped any white chicks in Beijing.”

How Eddie House doesn’t immediately punch Rafer right in the face is beyond me. The Most Interesting Man in the World would disown him for allowing another man to bitch-slap him.

And in case you missed it, Fabricio Oberto = Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. But in his case, he doesn’t just look like him, he’s also a cross-dressing psychotic assclown.

If you care about the Suns (I don’t know why you would, I’m having a hard time figuring out why anyone in their right mind would support this joke of a “team” right now), you will buy one or both of those domains, set up a site, start a petition, constantly nag Steve Kerr and incite the entire Phoenix Suns fanbase – yes, all 8 of us – to the point where management has no choice but to trade the Designated Hitter (aka Amare Stoudemire).

By the way, around this neck of the woods, Amare is known as the Designated Hitter because – if you haven’t figured it out yet – he only plays offense and just watches on defense. Along with AK47 for Kirilenko, that has got to be the most fitting nickname in sports.

So there you go Suns fans: know your role, get that domain, and start a riot. “Why don’t I do it” you ask? First of all, you have no right to be asking me any questions, but if you must know it’s because I’ve got a rare bone marrow disease that only lets me go so far with an idea but never lets me see it through. It’s complicated – you wouldn’t understand. Just know that I’ve already done more than my part to make this happen. The rest is up to you (so we’re probably fucked). Good luck!

But does he ever get the fucking beat-down he deserves? No. Old Bruce just keeps on pederasting young, defenseless boys like Steve Nash because everyone is too afraid to get suspended and lose thousands of dollars from a couple of game checks.

You see, if THERE WAS some sort of intelligent design, the creator would have instituted a delicate system of checks and balances so that after every 2-3 games, somebody would do this to Bruce Bowen:

But the sad truth is that there is no universal justice. There is no karma. There is no god. Yet there very much is a Bruce Bowen.

(Note: I wrote this approximately 2 weeks ago before the latest development about evidence turning up showing Roger was at Canseco’s party, which only further incriminates him and exposes him for the douchebag liar that he is. I meant to go back and edit this, but I got lazy and kept putting this off for days and days. So here’s an unfinished, unedited post. Enjoy.)

1. His long-time friend and training partner, Andy Pettitte, was using HGH but never told him. Most guys who have ever had a training partner know that you always discuss your supplements, diets, routines, and any other tips and tricks down to the smallest detail. I know I’d tell my partner if I was taking something that was helping my workouts, either to help him out or at least be honest with him when he asked me about it once he noticed my results. If Clemens was half as close to Pettittie as he claims he is (was), he knew exactly what was going on. C’mon Roger…

2. Andy Pettitte “misremembered” when Clemens ACTUALLY DISCUSSED HIS HGH USE with him. As I said above, when you’re taking something, your training partner is usually the first to know. From the fact that Clemens had been working with McNamee for years, one can deduce that Clemens most likely referred Pettitte to McNamee for his HGH hook-up. In order to believe Clemens here, you would have to convince yourself that Pettitte not only went behind Roger’s back to secretly contact McNamee about HGH use, but also that he totally “misheard” and “misremembered” when they discussed their use. C’mon Roger…

3. Debbie Clemens, his wife of 24 years, ALSO went behind Roger’s back to secretly contact McNamee about HGH use. Now, while keeping dirty secrets from your spouse is a commonly accepted practice in all marriages, using HGH for a husband-wife photo shoot hardly qualifies as something worth lying about. Again, deductive reasoning will tell us it’s highly likely that Roger once again referred Debbie to McNamee so she could shape up in time for the photo shoot. After all, no man would want to show off that he’s banging an old, decaying wife, especially a prideful man like Roger Clemens. No – he’d want to make sure she’s in excellent physical condition, so he could show her off as a trophy wife, and HGH could pretty much guarantee that. C’mon Roger…

4. Brian McNamee has been telling the truth about Pettitte, the truth about Debbie, and the truth about his involvement with Radomski, but LYING about Clemens. Think about this one for just one second… then ask yourself: “why?” The guy is already facing jail time so he’s coming clean to try and curtail his sentencing. Why would he blatantly lie about Clemens and risk adding more years to his sentence? With his goal being to get a reduced sentence, it would be 100% counterproductive to commit perjury. The dude has nothing to gain by lying about Clemens, and years to lose (or add, depending on how you look at it) if he doesn’t come clean about everything. C’mon Roger…

5. Clemens has been entirely honest from the get-go, from being completely oblivious to the rampant HGH use by his wife and two close friends to the Mitchell Report and his inclusion in it. Recent transcripts prove McNamee did, in fact, warn Clemens, Pettitte, and their lawyers about their names coming up on the Mitchell Report, yet Clemens denied knowing anything about it until it was released. If you can’t piece that together, that means he lied. C’mon Roger…

6. Clemens has nothing to hide, and therefore doesn’t have to be careful about what he claims and denies, but he also doesn’t have to engage in a personal PR campaign to save his “good name.” Clemens first denied McNamee had ever injected him with anything, only to come back a couple of days later to say that he had injected him several times after all, except with B12 and NOT HGH. If this isn’t damage control or setting up a “way out” to explain any used needles tainted with Clemens’ blood that might pop up, then I don’t know what is. Clemens also waited to publicly deny the Mitchell Report before doing a cake 60 Minute interview, then releasing a video on his web site, then holding a weird press conference complete with an awkward phone conversation between him and McNamee that proved absolutely nothing one way or another. Clearly, Clemens and his team of crack attorneys and public relations people have devised a strategy/scheme to deface McNamee and set up a potentially sympathetic jury. Does this sound like an innocent man with nothing to hide? C’mon Roger…

7. Clemens has missed the first half of the last 3 or 4 MLB seasons, only to join a team midway through and throw 95 mph fastballs with as much effort as it takes Tom Cruise to kill a critic of scientology with his mind powers (hint: it’s very little effort). Meanwhile, other 40-year old pitchers like Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, Kenny Rogers and Jamie Moyer get by on 88 mph fastballs and changeup after changeup after changeup… Well, in Rogers’ case maybe a little gunk on the hand too, but you get the point: like other non-roided humans, their performance declines with age. Yet somehow, we’re supposed to believe that Clemens is such a genetic freak that his arm is as lively as when he was 23 years old? Is he the next evolution of man or something? C’mon Roger…

8. That the world is flat and Jesus loves you, even though he’s prepared an eternal lake of fire with your name on it in case you don’t devote your every waking second to him. C’mon Roger…

Isn’t that a bit too much? You would basically have to believe that literally the whole world is out to get Clemens, and while that might actually be the case with Bonds – he is baseball’s martyr, or the MLB’s version of Jesus. Consequently, I may or may not believe he is the modern-day messiah – I really don’t think that is the case with Clemens.

The Rocket is just a douche who got caught, who is now being a bigger douche in his futile attempts at denial. And that level of douchebaggery is worthy of years in a federal prison alone.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m the furthest thing from a conventional sports fan there ever will be. Just to point out some highlights, I despise Michael Jordan and Gay-Rod, I’ll defend Barry Bonds to death, and until he joined the Cowgirls I also adamantly defended Terrell Owens. Also, my favorite teams are the 49ers, Braves and Suns and I’ve closely followed Chris Webber since his Fab Five days at Michigan. If you’re puzzled by this, I could care less, so lick my balls. Those are my teams and my players ever since I can remember, and I don’t have to justify anything to you, except maybe why your mom has an imprint of my balls on her chin, but if she feels that she doesn’t have to explain that to you, than neither should I, so there.

With that in mind, you have to appreciate the effort it takes on my behalf to continuously root for a team whose primary scoring option is a bitch like Amare Stoudemire. It requires about as much mental concentration and focus as taking the SATs under a limited amount of time while holding back a monstrous dump consisting of last nights’ fiery hot wings and bean burritos. So to make things worst, from here on out I’ll have to be rooting for the Suns with Amare AND Shaq in the lineup… AT THE SAME TIME!

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this, but alas it’s happening whether I like it or not. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna blindly accept it like most other Suns fans though. Unlike the rest of the sheep here in the Valley, I’ll be protesting this until Shaq is no longer with the team, which hopefully will be after this season when he realizes he’s a no-talent has-been whose overactive pituitary gland disorder has paid the last dividends it was gonna pay and decides to retire to be with his precious ping pong balls forever. So on Sunday, I’ll be sitting in the first row of the upper section of the US Airways Center holding up my “Shaq Sucks” sign.

Although that probably won’t start the rebellion amongst the fans I wish it would, it will at least do my bitter, black soul some good, just like this post did.

Added: One more thing, this trade would work. It would never happen, but in a perfect world we would pull the trigger and then I’d say “Championship” in a whiney voice.