This absolutely amazing pillow works so well that I’ve decided I’m okay with the fact that humans haven’t invented the flying car yet. At one point, the lovable clerks Dante and Randal had me convinced that the true “fire from Mt.Olympus” was the flying car – and nothing else would do. But this fart pillow has convinced me that ONLY the most advanced minds on Earth could’ve been involved in its creation. The fart pillow is the epitome of human ingenuity and creativity. It is the pinnacle of our technological capabilities. That’s it. We’re done. Hang up all the lab coats and pocket protectors. It’s over.

Before I discovered the fart pillow, I had written up this flyer to post just outside my work area:

My farts are recognized by American Association of Poison Control Centers

WARNING: If it smells absolutely rancid, putrid, malodorous or otherwise disruptive and disorienting in this area, it’s probably because I just farted.

Rest assured that I do everything within my ability to eliminate the stench as soon as possible through advanced air circulation methods and the application of the latest air-freshening technology.

If you value our friendship or working relationship, it is best to ask “is it safe?” within a 5 foot radius (min.) of The Dark Knight, Guardian of QA. Please do not judge, as this gaseous pestilence is the result of a documented medical condition (feel free to ask).

Luckily, the fart pillow has allowed my co-workers and I to peacefully co-exist and avoid full-scale, intra-office chemical warfare.

Now, after I saw the first couple of safe-for-TV trailers, I thought this was gonna be just another run-of-the-mill movie – like Daddy Day Care or something, but after seeing the following NOT-safe-for-TV-trailer, I’ve decided I’m going to make a significant effort to go check it out:

Undoubtedly, the plot will inevitably lead to the two dudes forming a bond and connecting with their respective strange kid-pals, so I can only hope that they WILL NOT be better off than when they first met and ultimately come to hate each other. But nonetheless, this is a movie so they have to give it a happy, sappy ending where everyone loves each other, all the characters learn their lessons and nobody get killed. Oh well, as long as the ride along the way is funny and entirely inappropriate, I’ll take it I guess.

Oh – and you don’t have to thank me for giving you this post, your mom already thanked me last night while I was doing her by reaching back and tickling my balls, dface.

But before you go on reading His all-powerful words, please let me give you the fair warning He does before every regular, non-Q&A post:

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

You’ve been warned. Unless you’re a turd, you’re gonna laugh your ass off. Check the full list of Stuff God Hates here.

And for the record, women are definitely one of the things he abhors. In fact, He keeps coming back to His extreme Holy hatred towards them, which – when you think about it – makes a whole lot of sense. Why else would women be cursed with periods, the inability to pee standing up, use reason, think rationally and carry the unimaginable burden of having “feelings” and “emotions” unless God absolutely detested them?

But before any of you cocksmokers from PETI (People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects) start bitching at me and request that I be crucified like the modern-day messiah that I am, let me first explain that the morose motherfuckers over at Butterfly Suicide don’t get off on watching winged insects offing themselves with tiny little guns or hanging themselves with mini-nooses (that would be awesome… I just realized) – well, at least I don’t think they do – no, instead they get off on:

…toilet humor, bad jokes, funny shit, video reviews, videos we find humorous, funny videos, stupid videos, funny pictures, stupid pictures, and babes. [Plus] Man Humor, cussing, penis jokes, funny things about women’s erogenous zones, and Little Johnny jokes.

Yes, these self-proclaimed perverts by the names of JaceOne and Tuefel have formed an unholy alliance with my merry band of perverts (holydouche! and Jeley the Propietor of Chicken Effed Bacon) to form what we have come to know as a “beautiful circle jerk of lunacy and perversion.”

Together we will conspire to read each others blogs and make witty comments on them to show off our cleverness and/or demean the douchesticks we regularly poke fun of, because well… let’s face it: it makes us feel damn good about ourselves. Plus, by adding me as one of their blogfriends, ButterflySuicide.com will only be 3 friends away from forming SuperMegaFuckyoutron and taking over the world.

Who knew cross-linking could be so goddamn powerful? Well, besides me, of course…

When I first listened to Pink Floyd, I wasn’t terribly impressed, and I failed to see why everyone made such a big deal about them. But now that I’ve given them an honest shot, I’m a total Pink Floyd convert, or Pink Floydian, which I think is a better term for people who like Pinky and the Floyd (Narf).

My boss holysmith! is the biggest, most devoted Pink Floydian I know, and it’s because of him that I even have their music and know anything about them. He is constantly making Pink Floyd references, and no longer wanting to be kept in the dark, I knew I needed to become somewhat fluent in Floydish to catch at least a small portion of them.

I believe David Gilmour (should be spelled Gilmore, like Happy does it, but that’s another post) is the one singing in “Wish You Were” (correct me if I’m wrong here holysmith. Oh yeah… and don’t fire me). He sings that song like he really wishes that person was here, as if singing the song might somehow make his wish come true. I could be mental, but I can hear some pain and possibly heartache in his voice as he sings, which is another reason why that song rules.

From a musical standpoint, the guitars sound incredible. One of the guitars gets a special effect during the bridge that makes it sound like the guitar itself is crying. At the risk of sounding gay, I will also note that the fucking piano sounds beautiful. Nothing stands out about the drums or bass, but that’s the way it should be, as they mesh seamlessly with the rest of the instruments while providing that uniquely relaxing rhythm.

Anyways, I’m not much of a music critic, so you can lick my salty chocolate balls before you start giving me shit about my “Wish You Were Here” review. I just know that song rules, and not liking it is the equivalent of blowing 17 goats.

I told Matt I could stare at this picture for hours and he got freaked out. Apparently he is unsecure of his manhood. Anyway, click on the image to see a bigger and better version where you can see into the soul behind the eye. If you don’t have a decent-sized monitor like I do, stop being so goddamn cheap and get yourself one.

Shameful Plug: View all of Matt Sandy’s deviant art… on deviantart.

“I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.”

If you don’t know where that line is from, you’re probably a complete tool. The reason why its there in the first place is to remind the millions…. and millions of El Gammy’s Blog of Death readers that even if they do decide to start getting plastered at 10am, they won’t have to worry about nasty hangovers the next morning with the NoHang Hangover Prevention Pills.

I’ve been doing some hard drinking recently in the name of scientific research and for the sake of my company (yes, I know you envy me) in order to test the effectiveness of this anti-hangover pill. So far, so good: You take two pills before or with your first drinks and you’re good to go. NoHang’s all-natural ingredients will keep the harmful toxins and alcohol byproducts from fucking you up the morning after with headaches, nausea, vomiting and other hangover symtoms.

The best part about NoHang is that it WILL NOT impede you from getting drunk. It will only PREVENT the hangover that follows your drunken adventures in Mexico, Ivan (fag). Follow these easy steps to freedom from hangovers:

1) Click on the Banner
2) Buy NoHang
3) Take NoHang before you start getting wasted
4) WIN – and by win I mean avoid hangovers entirely

With NoHang at least you won’t have to deal with a nasty hangover when you wake up next to a fat chick (or a guy, Ivan) after a night of drinking. With your sense of balance completely intact, you’ll have an easier time outrunning her before she starts eating your legs like they were hot wings. You can thank me later.

You will be magically whisked away to a far away website offering Free Sports Picks called PicksPal.com. So what’s the big deal you ask? Well, while you’re picking from a slew of games in every sport imaginable, you’re also given the chance to win prizes such as iPods, DVD players, and during big contests: big screen TV’s.

At PicksPal, not only do you get to pick the winners and over/under, but you also get to pick from an awesome selection of hilarious props. You can bet on anything from the number of times John Madden says “Boom” during the broadcast, to how many times Bill Cowher will spit on camera.

But that’s not the best part about PicksPal, it’s the leagues and shit-talking that can even make stupid activities like Golf interesting to watch or follow (yes, golf is an activity, not a sport). When you’ve got thousands of points on the line, along with bragging rights and possibly an iPod, you can bet you’ll be watching to see if Tiger Woods can birdie the 18th hole. It’s amazing how I’ve even forced myself to watch some Soccer on Ice games (hockey) because of PicksPal.

Anyways, click on the banner and sign up to play PicksPal. If you do, you’ll make me a whopping $2.00. Tell all your friends to come to ElGammy.com and do the same, and for every sign up that comes through ElGammy.com I get another $2. If I know you, I might buy you something.

Maybe…