Approximately two weeks ago, the Phoenix valley began consistently hitting around 110-degree temperatures day in and day out. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that sooner or later it’s bound to get unlivable here. I’m talking about bursting into flames or combusting as soon as the sun’s rays touch your skin. Right now if you walk into the sun, your skin will begin to sting as the sun begins to punish your epidermis – even if your skin is brown (like mine) and therefore better adept to handle cancer-causing UV rays (suck it whiteys).

Well, we’ve got retractable dome roofs on stadiums all over the world, entire football fields that slide in and out of stadiums, man-made lakes, and even man-made islands… I figure a rotating, solar-powered panel that provides shade for an entire metropolitan area is not as far-fetched as it once was. Check out my paint-made illustrations for the basic premise of my super fantastic idea:

El Gammy Saves All Life on Phoenix 8AM

El Gammy Saves Phoenix 12PM

El Gammy Saves Phoenix 4PM

I’ll leave it up to the experts to figure out the architectural concerns and nuances. I already took into account the cost of powering such a structure by making the cover panels solar-powered and completely self-sufficient, all they have to figure out is where to put the axis and support beams. Once that is taken care of, ask Uncle Obama for some money to cover the initial cost of this beast and we’re ready to build.

Of course, this thing would only be up during the intolerable summer months, so for the rest of the 9 months people can still soak in the cancer-causing rays and play in the outdoors to their heart’s content. Despite my best efforts, I cannot think of a single reason why anyone in their right mind would be opposed to this. This is pretty much the best idea ever thought in the history of thinking, as it has no flaws whatsoever. Not one.

Channing Goofrye? Then again, what could possibly be more insulting than calling a guy “Channing?” Especially when using demeaning sarcasm after a bad decision: “Hey, good call on making a left turn back there Channing.”

I tried embedding the video, but son-of-a-bitch Hulu was cock-blocking all over the place. Just hit the link you lazy bastard.

Intense Debate can lick my chocolate salty balls. Why do I have to sign up for an extra comment system when I’m already LOGGED IN AS A REGISTERED USER of the blog? I guess that my comments will just have to be approved every single time, which means more work for the LIAR, so I’m cool with that. I’ll ramp up my commenting just to make sure he gets more email notifications, then has to login and approve my comments every single time. Although eventually that might cause him to disapprove my comments, at which point I’ll accuse him of being a fascist who’s hell-bent on single-handedly crushing free-speech on the Internets.

The defense breasts.

The building in the background symbolizes the state of my schlong when I'm causing the Great Squeal in the Sky

I’ve mentioned before that holySheep! introduced me to the psychedelic, soothing sounds of Pink Floyd, so with that in mind, I guess this new theory is due in large part to his obsession with flying pigs, symbolic walls, the dark side of certain celestial bodies and ancient English dudes with terrible teeth.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, which includes “The Great Gig in the Sky.” If you haven’t heard it, you should be shot point-blank in the face by Qui-Gon Jinn like he does to numerous Eurobags in Taken.  For the rest of us non-tools, we’re all familiar with the way that black chick just explodes vocally on that track (I’m assuming she’s black because white chicks just don’t have the badonkadonk it takes to power such beautifully deafening melody).

Well, every time I hear that song, my perverted mind just drifts away to imagine me plowing into some hot chick and hearing her orgasm in the exact same way: OH OWH OH OOOOOOOHHWHHHWWHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WWHUU OH WWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…. Well that doesn’t really translate well into text, but you get the point. I listen to that song and I can easily picture myself making a chick squeal at the very top of her lungs; shattering her vocal cords in ecstasy… Hence, The Great Squeal in the Sky.

Of course in real life it sounds more like the automated answering message you hear when you call Wells Fargo Credit Card Services, but damnit I can still dream.

And if the astonishing photographic evidence above doesn’t convince you, how about this classic piece of cigarrette paraphenelia?

Pau Gasol wants your children to smoke cigarettes

And just in case Pau “The Camel” Gasol happens to get his hooves on a computer and find his way to this page, here’s my message to you Pau: Si entendiste bien Pau, se que eres un pinchi camello, y van a valer verga otra vez en las finales. Ojala que te mueras.

Finally, since “Black Mamba” is the absolute most retarded NBA nickname ever, I’ve decided to start calling #24 on the Lakers “Kobe Doin’ Work.” As in, “Hey, did you hear Kobe Doin’ Work raped a girl in Colorado?” or “Do you remember when Kobe Doin’ Work scored 81 points a couple of years ago? Was that before or after he raped that white chick?” or “Kobe Doin’ Work really helped the US team win a gold medal at last year’s olympics, I wonder if he raped any white chicks in Beijing.”

How Eddie House doesn’t immediately punch Rafer right in the face is beyond me. The Most Interesting Man in the World would disown him for allowing another man to bitch-slap him.

This absolutely amazing pillow works so well that I’ve decided I’m okay with the fact that humans haven’t invented the flying car yet. At one point, the lovable clerks Dante and Randal had me convinced that the true “fire from Mt.Olympus” was the flying car – and nothing else would do. But this fart pillow has convinced me that ONLY the most advanced minds on Earth could’ve been involved in its creation. The fart pillow is the epitome of human ingenuity and creativity. It is the pinnacle of our technological capabilities. That’s it. We’re done. Hang up all the lab coats and pocket protectors. It’s over.

Before I discovered the fart pillow, I had written up this flyer to post just outside my work area:

My farts are recognized by American Association of Poison Control Centers

WARNING: If it smells absolutely rancid, putrid, malodorous or otherwise disruptive and disorienting in this area, it’s probably because I just farted.

Rest assured that I do everything within my ability to eliminate the stench as soon as possible through advanced air circulation methods and the application of the latest air-freshening technology.

If you value our friendship or working relationship, it is best to ask “is it safe?” within a 5 foot radius (min.) of The Dark Knight, Guardian of QA. Please do not judge, as this gaseous pestilence is the result of a documented medical condition (feel free to ask).

Luckily, the fart pillow has allowed my co-workers and I to peacefully co-exist and avoid full-scale, intra-office chemical warfare.

And in case you missed it, Fabricio Oberto = Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. But in his case, he doesn’t just look like him, he’s also a cross-dressing psychotic assclown.